The New Girl on the Block (WIP)

Chapter VIII: Thoughts

I cry into my pillow until I fall asleep. Great. I fucked up everything; I ruined my friendship with Amy, I won't be with Sean (since he sure as hell won't want someone like me when he can have a beautiful, popular person), and my friends have probably given up on me. I'm getting mascara on my pillow, but I don't care. There's nothing to care about. I broke every tie I've ever made. I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting, of keeping a smile plastered on my face every minute of the day, and of wanting Sean. It's so much work to want something you'll never have... To have one of the few things in life that you love, ripped away from you. I just want to have him hold me in his arms. To kiss him just once. To say "I love you," and have the act returned. Is that so selfish? I just want to go to sleep now... and never wake up....

~

What the hell is wrong with her? What the hell is wrong with me? Why would I say such things to Signe? Amy, you idiot. She's probably heartbroken right now... this is all my fault... I have to make things right... But even if Sean were to ask her, she probably wouldn't believe him. She took down her walls, and I attacked. I hurt her at her most vulnerable time. I broke her. I broke her into a million shards. I need to fix this. But how? How am I supposed to glue together glass without getting cut?

~

Why did I agree to this? I despise those girls. I want to go with Signe, not them. But she turned me down. Why? I thought she liked me.. Now I have to go with Olivia. I'll have Mark with me, but I know he won't be able to cheer me up. How is he supposed to make me happy when he'll be miserable as well? He doesn't want to be three feet near Linda. He'd rather french kiss a badger.. or Amy... She rejected him at the same time Signe rejected me. I want to hold Signe in my arms, not Olivia. Well, I could always fake my own death... You can't go to a dance if you're dead... and Olivia would probably be too worried about me getting my decaying body on her dress, so she wouldn't want to dance with me either... but if I fake my own death, I won't be able to see Signe again... Back to the drawing board...

~

Three years. I've been wanting her for three years. I finally made a move. I got my heart broken. It doesn't matter how many random girls in the school chase me. I don't want them. I want Amy. Why do I always chase after the one thing I can't have? Is she running or am I bad at chasing? I settled with Linda. Is this how my life will always be? I don't want to settle. I want to be able to jump for my goals and not fall short. Is it because of my height? It's not my fault I'm short! Well, at least I'm taller than Jack. We can fall short together. But I don't want that either. I can always fall short, but that doesn't mean Jack has to fall either. I can push him up. We don't both have to be sad. Who knows, maybe he could pull me up with him.

~

Two. Two days. Two days until the dance. I don't want anything to do with it. Why the hell did I sign up for the dance committee? Do I just love to torture myself? I know I signed up when I thought that I was going with Mark, but deep down, I should've known that it was too good to be true. Was it optimism, false hope, or insanity? They always say that insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, expecting a different result. I've been chasing Mark for three years, but he never slows down. I keep doing it, but it doesn't work. Maybe I am insane.

~

I dazed off, but the insomnia kicked in once more. I want to cry, but I've wasted too many tears on him. Why is this green haired boy fucking me up so much? The castle's under siege. He's invading my every thought. He's crossing the moat I took so long to dig. He's tearing down the walls I so meticulously built.
I run, but he's too fast. He builds me up, just to tear me down. He probably doesn't even realize it, either. He doesn't know how much it hurts me each time he glances my way. He's like poison baked into the prettiest cake, and I'm starving.