The Holy Pencil Bible

Dixon's Tale of Woe

Dixon lived a simple Ticonderoga life. He settled down with a nice calculator named Calculisa after falling in love over a class period. Calculisa seemed fine, but she didn't have the chemistry that was needed in a long-lasting relationship. But they were happy in a platonic-romantic hybrid relationship.

Then tragedy struck. Out of nowhere, Calculisa left him to stay in Far Off. She said that she wanted passion in a relationship, and that he had found another pencil. She also added to never find her, because her and Gustav were perfect without him.

Dixon was heartbroken. What he thought was his partner in life forever just up and left him. Tears welled up in his eyes and he fled back to D Land. He vowed to never love again.

There, he met a very nice calculator. 

Calculatori was a ravishing calculator. She caught the hearts of all the men walking by. All except one. Dixon went moping along his way, not looking at her once.

And it infuriated her. She vowed to win Dixon's heart.

Now, one might remind her that she is a married woman. However, she loved the spotlight. Although she wasn't planning on dating any of the men originally, she at least wanted to be the object of their affections. But Dixon was different. She wanted him to want her. Besides, her husband wasn't going to come!

Dixon was eating dinner alone, when a long shadow crossed his plate. He looked up glumly, to see Calculatori standing in a flirty position. "Why hello there..." she crooned. 

"Hello." 

Calculatori frowned. Normally people would drool over the sexy squat. What is this guy's problem?

"You look so lonely," Calculatori said, trailing a finger over Dixon's chest. "Do you want some company?"

Dixon raised his head. He smiled sweetly, pushed her chest flirtatiously, then said, "No." He got up and walked away.

"Dang." He played her like she was planning to play him. Calculatori smiled viciously. "If you want to play dirty, so be it."

Dixon smiled to himself. This was classic player vibe. No way was she gonna win.

Months and months went by, and Calculatori dated other men while wooing Dixon. She got him coffee, went to lunch, and coerced him into dinner. Still, they seemed to be making no progress on a romantic level. However, on the other hand, their friendship had grown exponentially. 

Dixon walked up to Calculatori and bumped her shoulder. "Sup. Want to get dinner?" 

She gave a smirk. "Dixon, are you asking me out?"

"Of course not, my dear."

She took an elaborate curtsy. "I accept."

She walked away, smiling to herself. This was the night. She was going to tell Dixon she loved him. Then she would break his heart.

She got into her prettiest cover, put on her makeup, and walked to Graphite Cafe. Dixon was waiting for her there. When he saw her, his jaw dropped. 

"You look... stunning."

She gave a flirtatious wink. "Of course I do."

They walked in together. 

I bet you don't really want to know everything. Dixon ordered a hamburger. Calculatori ordered salad. Basically all you need to know.

"So, Dixon." Calculatori trailed her fingers up his body. "How are you?"

Dixon smiled. "Wonderful."

Calculatori paused. The tension was building, spilling over, her dam breaking-

"Dixon I love you."

Daaaaaaaamn. Calculatori winced. Way to put it out there. Bet he doesn't-

"I love you too."

They shared a sweet kiss, then they walked out of the restaurant together.

*ye olde time skip*

Dixon was... busy. They were having a grand old time until Pencarl walked into the bedroom!

"What are you doing?!?!"

"Get out!" Dixon protested.

"Oh, I'll get out." Pencarl growled. He threw something on the ground, pivoted on his heel, and walked out. 

Dixon watched in growing horror as the object spun around, clattering to a stop.

It was a wedding ring.

"Are you... MARRIED to that guy?"

Calculatori blushed. "Guess there's no second date?"

"That's it. I'm out of here."

Calculatori reached her hand out in desperation. "No, wait. I was just kidding!"

But Dixon was gone.

He was on a mission. Go to Pencarl. Explain that they've both been duped. Catch a movie or something. Get revenge on Calculatori. It was a simple 4-step plan. Dixon ran after Pencarl, hoping to catch up and apologize. 

Just then, Calculatori sprinted out of the subway station staircase. She ran after Pencarl too. Now Dixon had to stop her before she did more damage. 

The trio sprinted in a line, with Pencarl in the front, Calculatori in the middle, and Dixon in the back. "Damn, this girl is fast," Dixon spluttered as he raced to catch his breath while losing it because he was sprinting. "She's wearing four-inch Stilettos and I can't catch up!"

Pencarl was reaching the Void, and he knew it. In one last push to say, not die, he sped up and made one giant leap to the other side, tumbling to a stop on Question #4 of the math homework. 

He slowly pulled himself to his feet, massaging his back and shoulders. All of a sudden, he was startled with Calculatori screaming, "You're not ruining my reputation!" She pulled the trigger just as Dixon ran up to her.

Calculaura blocked the bullet with her body, circuitry spilling everywhere. Dixon looked at Calculatori in shock, before finally saying, "I can't believe you done this."

The police pulled up when Pencarl was having his last tearful moments with his daughter. "You're going to jail on the count of first degree murder. Anything you say can and will be used against...

It all faded to a blur for Dixon. He crossed the bridge that Pencarl neglected to notice (seriously dude, it was like 10 feet away...) and kneeled down to pat Pencarl on the back. "Seems like we've both been duped. I'm no sorry for your loss." 

"It's not really your fault. Calculatori is just a donkey crevice."

"SOMEBODY GETS ME!"

Pencarl and Dixon lived the rest of their days as okay neighbors, and Calculatori was locked up for life.