*Sigh* Welp, I am started to do more rant now because WHY THE HECK NOT!!!
It is time for me to not be my usual nice, not much of true self. That is my try-to-be -social-but-failed Self. I seriously need to be more of myself.
I am being like this because I been wanting to do it for a while and I felt confident to do so.
I absolutely HATE myself in so many ways. One is my anxiety. I cannot, JUST CANNOT, socialize with anyone! There is not a moment in my life where I cannot stop be scared of talking to people. Especially online! I have social medias and played many games with players, but I can't stop being constantly scared of talking to people. I am scared of what people think or what they are going to say! I don't know how to start a conversation without trying to NOT be awkward! If you see me trying to talk to someone I don't even know, I froze up and just stand there like an idiot trying to think of a topic! I am so used to being alone for a half of my life that I don't even know how society will be like. And in my prospective, society is too much into trends, being cool, dramas, and so many spoiled things that I don't know how to fit in being a kid!
I see people being funny and have so many things to talk about and here's me thinking: HOW CAN THAT PERSON BE FUNNY!! I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DO THAT!!! *crying inside*
There are times where I just be stupid and manage to make some people laugh! In my mind, I just thought: AHHHHHHHH!!!! STUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPID!!! H-HOW ARE THESE PEOPLE ARE EVEN LAUGHING AT THAT!!! I JUST EMBARRASSED MYSELF!!!! I LOOK STUPID!!!! *Internal screeching*
I maybe acting over-dramatic, but I am DEAD SERIOUS. And when I am online, I tried to act nice or say something like: "Message me, I'll love to talk to you guys". But when I actually send it out to people to see, I'll regret it SOOOOO MUCH! Luckily, literally no one message me unless it's someone I am comfortable with. But when someone I have no idea who they are messaging me, I tried to stay not be awkward. However, I delete and edit over and over until it looks like I actually can talk like I am normal.
And in video games, I am usually a solo player or be that quiet, trying to contribute to the group- type person. This is why I play RPGs! I LIKE BEING A LONER, YET I LIKE HAVING FUN LIKE ANY PERSON!! [like Angel Of Death, Ib, Mad Father, Mogeko Castle, etc.]
THE STRUGGLES!!!!
If you guys talk to me, I may sound nice...but I am really trying to be sociable without punching myself...
That will be all.
Thank you for reading my struggles.
- Hachi Out
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=͟͟͞͞➳My Random Book ♡
SonstigesThis is a book that is full of random things that I came across in my life! It's basically a spam book combined with a diary, Tag book, fandom book, Random chapters that my friends made, and all kind of things that you just have to read it to under...
