Indigo

3/28/15

After everything, he called last night. After all the accusations and empty silences, there is the fulfillment of one lonely promise. Despite all of his faults, he doesn't break promises easily.

Yesterday was my birthday, the eighteenth one I've had, and calling me is his unspoken way of acknowledging my presence in his thoughts.

We haven't spoken since his birthday, last December, and I don't know if I was expecting some sort of apology or excuse for why he hadn't called. I suppose I wasn't. I was only wondering why I was nervous when his number flashed across the screen. He wasn't nervous, that was never a part of his character.

I said hello and he said happy birthday and I guess I was surprised at the sound of his voice even though I've heard it countless times. He's always had an accent and I used to think that was why he never liked talking.

I said thank you and he asked how I was.

"I'm fine."

"You sound tired."

"I am, a little bit."

"It's okay. I thought about her too. On my birthday."

I changed the subject. "How are you doing?"

"Well."

"Have you stopped smoking?"

"Sadie."

"You don't even try to deny it."

"Would you rather I lie about it?"

"No. I'd rather you just stopped."

"It's not as easy as that."

"It could be."

I could hear him breathing. Calming himself. In our past, he's struggled to control his temper. I bring out the worst in him and the only difference between us is that I don't need him to bring out my worst.

He said "It helps me deal with anxiety. You wouldn't understand."

"You always say that."

"What?"

"That I won't understand. But just because you're sick doesn't mean you have to smoke cigarettes."

My peeve isn't really about him smoking. It's about monotonous history that I can't change.

"When have I ever used that as an excuse?"

"Just now."

"God I didn't want to fight today. It's your birthday for Chrissakes."

"That doesn't matter."

"Yes it does."

"Not to me then."

"Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"Goddamn you, Sadie."

He hung up. He took no jabs at me and I'm not sure I understood how hard that was for him. Last time we spoke I had noticed them. The changes in him. Changes that a rehab and therapy have given him.

He called me back ten minutes later and said "I'm sorry, you know I'm sorry." He hardly ever apologizes and when he does it's with a sincerity that only comes from a person who's been apologized to too many times before.

"I know."

"I didn't call to fight."

"I know that also."

"I want to see you again."

"I can't drive out this week."

"I know, I'll come to you."

"How?"

"I'm not a prisoner, Sadie. I'm allowed to leave for intervals."

"Oh."

"If you want I'll meet you in town Thursday. We can grab an early dinner at Maggie's at 4:30."

"Okay."