Indigo

4/17/15

He meets me in Maggie's at 1. I want to see him.

He looks the same, he always looks the same. He could grow his hair down to his hips and he'd still look the same.

"What's up?" he asks me as he slides into the booth. He looks jaded or exhausted. I can't tell which one. He wears both in the same fashion.

I say "You don't look very well."

"I'm doing alright."

"That's good."

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing, really."

"Why'd you want to see me?"

"To give you this."

"What is it?"

"It opens up the storage unit."

"Oh, why'd you give this to me?"

"So you can go whenever you want."

He splays his hands out across the counter. "Goddamnit. Who told you?"

"Your aunt."

"Fuck."

"I'm glad she did. You wouldn't have."

"I wanted to."

"But you didn't."

"No." he plays with the key, leaning on his elbows, tapping his foot on the linoleum tile. "I should have told you."

"There was no reason for you not to."

"You're right."

"Where are you living then?"

"I got an apartment just outside of town."

"That's nice."

"It's alright." He looks out of the window and up into the hills. "I made it out for your birthday."

"You still only called."

"I went to your house, your dad turned me away."

"He's not very fond of you."

"I don't blame him."

"Me neither."

"Is this ever going to end?"

I don't say anything, not for a long time. "This town makes me sad."

"This town is sad. You don't belong here."

"I'm sad too."

"You should find your way into a city. Albuquerque maybe, or something even bigger: Dallas or Denver."

"And what would you do?"

"Stagnate. In a puddle of my own flesh and potential."

"I hate when you talk like that."

"You hate a lot of things about me."

"You hate things about me too."

He nods "There was a time when you'd deny it. That you hated anything about me."

I don't respond. He knows he's right.

"I still go to therapy. I never miss a session."

"You don't have to justify your release to me."

"I know."

"Okay."

"I should have told you."

"Yeah, probably."

"I don't know what else to say."

"Then don't say anything."

He doesn't. Our food comes and we eat in silence. I don't know why I'm disappointed in him. He doesn't owe me anything, even though I dangle the past on a stick in front of his face like debt.

We finish eating and the waiter brings us the bill. I slide five dollars over to him while he is peeling money out of his wallet.

I ask him "Do you have a job?"

"Not yet."

"And money?"

"Look Sadie, I get by alright."

"Your aunt wouldn't let you move in with her?"

"She has ground rules that I break."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

We leave Maggie's and are brushed by a breeze immediately after stepping outside. A few stray leaves skip out into the road.

He turns to me and says "Don't worry about me. I'm doing fine."

"Okay, I won't."

He kisses me, letting his fingers linger on my face before kissing me again. "Come back to my apartment."

"I can't."

He doesn't ask why. Instead he flips open his pack of cigarettes and waves me on my way.