Real Talk

Kissing

Okay ladies and gents, it's time for some real talk. And if you read the title like you're kinda sorta supposed to, you'll know what about. That's right motherfuckers, it's time to talk about the lip-lock. I was refraining on writing this until I got out and did some field research (mostly unpleasant too, but more on that later), so now I present to you: The Ugly Truth About Kissing.

First Kisses

Okay so we all know the whole myth about first kisses being magical and wonderful and everything you've ever dreamed of, right? Well it could be like that, or more realistically it could be so super awkward you want to cry. Take, for example, Homecoming 2016. You had to change your dress the last minute because your sunburn was the same color of your original strapless one (thanks marching band), you can't really see because your contacts are the wrong prescription, and you can't find your date. Oh and the live band? The lead singer is that really annoying kid in your band class and he can't even sing that well.

Anyway you get inside when you find your date and it's like a rave. Not exaggerating. There were the lights that could give you a seizure even if you weren't epileptic, all the gross sweaty teens grinding on each other to some obscure rap song you don't know, and you can't find your friends. So you and your date opt to get a picture taken. That goes all swell and dandy so you hit the dance floor again. Finally they play something slow song-y, so you say "Are we gonna dance or what?" as your date is tapping away on his phone.

Y'all are dancing all cutesy and then BAM YOU'RE MAKING OUT AND SO CONFUSED BECAUSE NEITHER OF YOU HAVE KISSED BEFORE AND THEN YOU GET IN TROUBLE WITH THE CHAPERONES AND YOU WANT TO DIE BECAUSE ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE WATCHING AND IT IS JUST SO DKWMALEJAOSMVNKTOELQLFNGNDJ. THE FANFICS DID NOT WARN ME ABOUT THIS. OH MY GOD. NO. WHY.

Kiss With Someone More Experienced

Picture it: you're hanging out with your crush on the playground of your old elementary school. Then y'all are kissing. Wow he's such a good kisser! I hope I'm doing this right. What is he doing with his tongue? I think my mom is calling me! WAIT HE HAS A BONER I DID NOT AGREE TO THIS. NO WHY IS HE PINNING ME TO THE GROUND?!?!? THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE WHERE I LOSE MY VIRGINITY. NOPE.

Yeah, that's all I'm saying there...

The Aftermath

So first kiss aftermath is nice because y'all are just real cutesy for a month until you get your heart broken but hey that's life.

Experience is kinda like first kiss on steroids. Until the dude says you're hot but you're just too extroverted for him and he would totally make out with you again but your personality is just meh and you're not capable of a serious relationship.

Now this one I didn't talk about because eh, but kissing someone of the same sex is a bit awkward, especially considering how y'all know each other. Not elaborating. DM me if you seriously want the whole scoop.

SO THAT IS IT MY LOVELY PEOPLE! Remember, kissing is fun, but only if you're enjoying it. You can always say stop. CIAO!