Finding Paris

All of Me

He hugged me tighter as the song drew to an end. I didn’t know what to say so I just sat there marveling at the falling leaves. A few minutes passed before I finally spoke up.

“Let’s go back,” I told him as I pulled him to stand up.

“But it’s just getting really lovely now. Look, the sun is setting,” he said as he pointed to the far end of the park where the orange hues splashed the blue clouds. “Look, people are gathering there to watch the sun set.”

“You can’t see the sun set from there. Even here,” I pointed out to him as I gathered our picnic blanket.

“Yes, but you can see the sky change colors. Is it something I said,” he asked. “Does that have to make you feel awkward around me? Because I thought you knew I like you even before. That’s why I came back,” he chuckled.

This is not even a laughing matter and he can still laugh. And he just pointed out the very obvious which was me feeling awkward after saying that…

You know, he likes me.

I do like him and isn’t that supposed to make people feel more comfortable around each other because they feel the same way? It still was awkward for me, though. I guess it was because I heard those words from someone before and it did not work out for both of us. I didn’t like him. I loved him. I loved him with all my heart. But people change and so did he. We drifted apart and he moved away somewhere here in Europe to pursue his literature studies. Sometimes when I am with Victor, I remember him and it feels so wrong. It feels as if my heart is being pinched a thousand times.

He always used to sing me John Legend’s “All of Me” whenever we sit by the park back in my parents’ village and watch the sun set. He’ll reach for me and pull me towards him so that I am leaning on him and he’ll gently brush his hands through my hair and sing “All of Me” softly in my ears. When father was still alive, he came to the house and we both would have painting sessions with father. Father always said he did better than me, that his works were full of emotions and heart. He always replied with, “it’s Morgan” and my father would softly laugh and tell him, “she’s a keeper, eh” and I would nudge him and say, “I told you”. He always gave me a loving look afterwards. It was as if we will never part, as if we’ll never end. But we did.

Now that I think about it, I still feel the pain when we both said goodbye. I still feel his arms around me when I met him and told him about father’s sickness. I still feel his hands tying my hair up when I paint. He’d sit right across me and stare and when he got bored he’ll reach for the camera and call me. In a flash, he’d run to me so we’d both be in the picture together. He’ll hug me and swing me around like a child and whisper, “I love you”.

I probably looked dumb standing there with all his memories coming back to me. I realized Victor was still waiting for what I would say.

“It’s Thomas,” I heard myself blurting out. I felt my hands getting sweaty and my heart beat faster.

“Who,” he asked. He looked really confused and distant. Why did I even say Thomas’ name and in front of Victor too.

“Can we go? I really don’t want to talk about it,” I told him as I felt my cheeks burning and tears welling up my eyes. I turned my back on him and walked ahead so he wouldn’t see me cry. The sniffling, of course, gave me away and I was aware of that. I kept blowing my nose, as embarrassing as it is. He just kept walking behind me, not saying a word.

I was done crying when we reached Cecile’s. He walked in front of me and looked at me. I feel like crying all over again. As much as I struggled to pull myself together, the tears betrayed me and flowed down my cheeks. He didn’t say anything so I just stood there crying. I did not even turn my back on him. What’s the use anyway? He knew I’ve been crying since we left the Luxembourg Garden.

He must not have any handkerchief with him because he started to wipe my tears with the blanket we just used in the park. “I’m sorry. I don’t have any handkerchiefs with me,” he said as he continuously wiped the tears that kept falling in my face. Seeing that I would not stop crying anytime soon, he hugged me and I cried even more. It was a very bad feeling whenever Thomas’ memories would come back to me. Tears will just keep on flowing. It was even worse than the time father passed away.

Finally, I got tired of crying and the sky seemed darker than before. I pulled away from him and looked up at him. He was smiling. I wished in my heart of hearts that his smile could erase every bad feeling and memories I have. Somehow, a little bit of me felt better. After all the crying, I felt quite free. This was the first time I actually bawled since that day we said goodbye.

“Sorry,” was all I could say.

“Come on. It’s dark out. Let’s go in,” he said as he folded the blanket and walked ahead.

It took quite a few minutes for me to move my feet. I was staring at his back as he walked towards the small apartment. I know that I should tell him about Thomas. I wanted to tell him about Thomas. However, right now whenever I think of Thomas, all I want to do is cry and drown in my tears.

I gave up and went inside. I saw him sitting on the small table laid down with food. Cecile was probably waiting for us and just went out the backdoor after Victor went in. He looked worried and peaceful at the same time. He was playing with the silverware as I stepped in the apartment and pulled a chair across him.

As if nothing happened he reached for the Chicken Fricassee and started eating. I don’t know if it was the right time and I still feel like crying but I did my best not to and I told him about Thomas; who he is, how we’ve met, the things we’ve done and the things we were planning to do back when we were still together.

I didn’t tell him about the time we parted because I already teared up just at the middle of telling Victor how I and Thomas met. It was excruciating but it had to be done. I told him how Thomas always sang me “All of Me”. I told him how Thomas and I planned to paint the world and travel all our lives. I told him how Thomas took all the pain away when I found out how father was sick. And though, I didn’t yet tell him how we parted, I told him that the pain I felt was greater when we said goodbye than when father passed away.

All the while, he just kept on listening and occasionally munched on his food. He pointed the table napkin for me to wipe my tears.

“Thanks for telling me. I have never experienced that so I won’t tell you that everything’s going to be okay because it probably won’t be. I won’t tell you that tomorrow is a new day because it isn’t. You will remember him still,” he said as he stopped eating and looked at me.

“I know,” I told him as much as it hurt. Tomorrow won’t be a new day because Thomas will still be lingering in my mind. I started to eat the chicken which Cecile cooked for us. He was probably finished as he went to the sofa and got his iPod out. He sat back across me and watched me eat. After a while, he played with his iPod and I heard the very familiar song in the background. I stopped midway of chewing my chicken and looked at him. Why was he playing this?

'Cause all of me loves all of you, love your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections. Give your all to me; I'll give my all to you. You're my end and my beginning. Even when I lose I'm winning. 'Cause I give you all of me and you give me all of you…

“Is this the song,” he asked.

 “Yes,” I replied back searching his eyes for the reason he played it.

 “This is my favorite John Legend song,” he answered as if reading my mind.

 “We’ll make new memories,” he said while he looked at his iPod.