Art Book 4 [OLD... ish]

Off

Rant warning. Skip if you wish.

I don't necessarily know why, but recently I've been super "off" and not myself. I've been feeling really "not right", I'm not eating nearly as much as I should, and that's not because I want to starve myself to look better or whatever, but because I haven't been nearly as hungry and it's honestly not even close to the first thing on my mind.

I've also been really mean to people I love and am close to. I don't want to, but I just say things and then start rambling my apologies afterward but I just seem crazy. 

I have only seen my new therapist once, and I already know that it will be hard to say things. It takes forever to build trust, and I'm not going to build it quick enough to get well as fast as I would like. And none of my therapists have worked for me. Care to know why? Okay.

Therapist one: She treated me like a baby. She showed me picture books to explain divorce. Keep in mind this was only a couple years ago.

Therapist two: She mentioned people I knew, and in case you wondered she's not allowed to that. And at the time I was having a lot of trouble with that said person and she was always like "I love them, we're such good friends" and all in all, she was pretty unprofessional.

Therapist three: She used terms like "the big black brush" because I was negatively painting my life dark over-dramatically. And it was super annoying. She brought my mom in too much, which, don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but it became a session with just my mom and my therapist talking and I didn't get to say a single thing, and my mom tends to assume what I'm thinking and make people think certain things about me that may not be true.

That's them all

I basically just wanted to say the eating thing because I haven't eaten much and I'm not hungry.

I'm feeling really fake, like when I smile it feels really wrong. I don't know why.

I'm not getting any sleep, and that's not healthy. 

I've been overly anxious, everything sets me off. I would say 'triggers' but that's word become a joke so I'm going to avoid saying it.

Speaking of jokes, nothing really makes me laugh. Laughter is the best medicine, as they say, but I feel like nothing is really making me happy.

I feel like all I can do is draw. My work is becoming sloppy and the end of the year is coming up, and I'm terrified for finals. I've been super stressed...

I don't know what to do.

I just have no idea...

I don't know where to start.

My mom reassures me that my therapist will help, but since she's my fourth one, I'm not sure. 

Thanks for reading all that, I appreciate it.