I look across the sky. It is the most elegant thing I have ever seen. I watched the stars fall in love with the sky, flawlessly caressing it. As the moonlight danced across my newly tanned skin I realized I see so much beauty in the world.
Where other people see a water fall I see millions of droplets of water, working together to create a moving work of art. A constant flow of waves that power over rocks and various other obstacles to get to there destination, all tirelessly working together as one. When people see and rainbow I see something magnificent come from a few rain clouds and darkness.
I see so much beauty in the world, but how can someone who sees good in everything not see good in herself. I can look at someone who has killed thousands and seek out light from inside, seek out what makes them human. What makes them special, equal to you and me.
I see nothing in me. I've listened to people drone on and on about how unique and special I am but I don't see any light. I don't see my worth. I have many reasons to live, however how can you when someone you love with all of your heart, has there life ruined at your own hands.
I'm on my balcony. I take my hand and trace over the pattern with my finger. Square over square, such a simplistic pattern. I take in all over my surroundings carefully.
Ezra built such a lovely home. The curtains are such a vibrant shade of turquoise and the grey carpet brings out the yellow bed spread. It was so perfectly designed. My eyes trace back to a photo of Ezra. God, I love him. I wish I could stay.
I wipe a single tear from my eye. It's my own fault. No one could live with this. She died at my own hands. I could've prevented her death but I was naïve and stupid. I want to live but the regret wills me more.
Could you live if you were at fault for the death of the last family member you have left? Camila. I look over to the picture of her on my nightstand. She looked perfect.
I should've been the one to die. If there is a God then why take her when just as easy to take me. She could've accomplished so much, helped so many. Whatever people she was going to help are damned now because of me.
I wipe another tear from my eye, feeling the cooling air of the night slightly lift the rim of my dress. I dangle my toe off of the drop. It's high enough to not be painful, not that I deserve that. I would do something more deserving but Ezra took any harmful objects out of the apartment.
I closed my eyes and felt the temperature. It was chilly but not cold. It wasn't cold enough to need a jacket however I wished I had worn one. My favorite one. The one Ezra gave me. I would want nothing more than to die with the illusion that he was by my side. Holding me one last time.
I tried to stop myself from crying. I hiccuped through the silent sobs, the ones I had become so accustomed to. I took in a deep shaky breath. I unwrinkled my dress and carefully took off my shoes.
At least this way I don't leave a mess. I thought taking the picture of Camila out of my pocket. My mom named her Camila because it means perfect.
I took a deep breath and took time to pray. I don't know if heaven exists but it sounds nice. Peaceful.
I won't go there.
I looked down at some of the people. I hope this doesn't affect them too much.
I put one foot over the edge.
I felt warm engulfing me. I turned around to see Ezra pulling me towards him. My eyes are closed but I hear crying. I hear loud sobs and pain ringing through the air.
Seconds later I open my eyes to realize it was me sobbing. I couldn't look him in the eyes for knowing that the love in them would be filled with disappointment and resentment.
I hated him for saving me. Why couldn't he just let me die. I can't seem to die. I don't understand. If you see a person beyond help in so much pain, with no solution how do you stop them. How do you make them, force them to live with regret and agony. If you truly love them how can you live with that decision.
I spent the night crying in his arms softly hitting him, begging him to let me die. I knew that him holding me made him cry. I knew it made him feel pain as well.
That made me feel worse. There is no solution. There is no fixing it.
I want to but I can't. I can't speak. I can't breathe.
I don't want to.
I don't want to e x i s t .
