Let Your Heart Rule Your Head

Chapter Thirteen - "I'm ready"

Ruby closed the hospital door behind her. Dennis was sitting in his bed, reading On The Road that she had brought him a week before. She was wearing Brian' purple t-shirt under her jean shirt. She smiled at him and he closed the book. He put it on his knees and reached out to her. She hugged him and stroked his (very) long hair before kissing his forehead. She pulled a chair next to the bedside table and sat on it. She tapped her fingers on her knees.

"How do you feel today?"

"Oh, rather good, I'd say. How about you, Roobs?" he whispered with a hoarse voice. Ruby smiled when she heard him pronounce her nickname for the first time in the past few months.

"Oh, I'm okay I guess."

"Will mum come?"

"I don't think so, she's caught a cold yesterday and she needs to rest. I called the doctor this morning."

"Oh, I hope she's okay."

"No. We hope you're okay."

Dennis looked down and put On The Road on the bedside table.

"Anyway. How's college?"

"Oh, I think about stopping those studies and going to a Literature college instead."

"Oh, really? But being accepted to the Imperial College is just a fucking privilege! I'm sure that mum and dad would have prefered me to go there instead of my Art school. But now, I'm just the big disgrace, aren't I?"

"Stop talking nonsense. Everybody's worried about you."

"Yeah but let's face it: I won't survive."

Ruby's eyes widened. Dennis looked so peaceful whereas he'd just said something terrible. But she couldn't tell him either. Knowing him too well, she knew he would count the days, hours and minutes. "Play it cool, Roobs, play it cool" she told herself.

"Dennis! What are you telling me! Of course you'll survive!"

"Don't fake it, Roobs. I know it."

"I'm not faking it." 

"When I was in the coma, I... I heard you. You and the doctor. He told you I was condemned. And you promised you wouldn't tell mum."

Her lips began to shudder. Tears escaped from her eyes and fell down her cheeks. Dennis whistled and took her in his arms.

"Don't cry, lovely Roobs. I don't like seeing my little sister cry."

"I'm tired of all this, Den. Can you even imagine what it's like not to tell mum about her child who's about to pass away?"

"I can't imagine, but it's not you who's dying" he whispered. "You can't imagine either what I feel like."

"I'm sorry."

"Now, I count the days. My friends visited me yesterday and I knew it was the last time. I just couldn't tell them. I have that clock inside my head going backwards" he said, his finger pointing at his head. "And it's not reassuring at all. I knew when was the last time I'd ever see the sunset. I can't see anything from this bedroom. I know I'll never smell the flowers ever again. I'll never listen to any records either. I'm dying. It's over. Mum and you are witnessing all this. I never wanted that. I fucked everything up, and my stupidity kills me."

"Dennis, you're not stupid."

"Come on, Ruby, you know I am. Isn't it stupid to spend your whole days smoking and drinking? To forget your home and family?"

"It wasn't your fault."

"Whose was it, then? Ruby, it's not because I'm about to die that you must think I'm an angel. People tend to do that, but it's not a solution. It has never been one. You must recognise your faults and the others'. Don't pretend they've always been good human-beings because it's wrong. Of course it's better to remember the good moments, but you shouldn't forget about the bad ones either."