Stone by Stone

Prologue

Being sad was the only thing I had going for me for a long while. Depression was the only thing that comforted me. I suppose I've always had love for things that destroyed me, just look at my ex list. Most days I coped by staying in bed and not showering nor cleaning until I couldn't stand the stench. The rare days I didn't want to wallow in my own despair, I chose wrong every time. I chose unprotected sex with guys who didn't know my middle name. To be fair, I didn't know their middle names either. I chose smoke inhalation and alcohol consumption, all under 18. I chose to love the boys that could only love the idea of me. I suppose that's the choice that really fucked me up.

I used to blame all that shit on my past. If you blame your misdemeanors on misfortunes other people will excuse you. Some will pity you, which I didn't prefer but it was better than disgust. I had alcoholics for parents who were somehow more toxic to each other than the booze they were inhaling. My family was broken, my parents were plane rides away, and they didn't even have the respect of divorcees. Kids before wedlock, before maturity. Many terrible paths transpired from this, yet I'm still thankful. Both my parents loved me, sometimes in fucked up ways, but I had both parents. I was never in foster care, I have brothers I love dearly. They keep me alive. The mishappenings made me strong, made me an adult before I turned sixteen.

I can tell you all about my past. I can go on and on and on because that's what depressed people do. But today I take it day by day. I'd crumble otherwise. So I couldn't tell you what my present looks like. I couldn't tell you what my future looks like, what I want it to be even. Besides happy; I wish I was happy. I don't seem to care about anything else in my future.

Today everything tastes bland. I only faintly taste my emotions before I swallow them.

It's 7 am and I haven't slept today. I tend to sleep a lot, and then not sleep at all, and then wish I didn't have to be exhausted all the time. Oversleeping and under sleeping have the same side effects unfortunately. I stayed up and I sat here and I wrote because today I decided I was sick of constantly writing my story like this. Despair, sadness, more despair, loneliness, more despair, pain, more sadness, and more and more and surprisingly more. That's not all I am. I will not let the disorder curated from years of listening to the negativity of those around me dictate who I am.

I love making people laugh, and smile, and cry. I want to help people feel and then live on. I want to inspire people to live on beautifully. I like being honest, and I like cuddling. I like warmth and beautiful things. I want a family. I love the feeling only my family can give me, I want that for the rest of my life. I like being secure, like all people. Free to help people. I really want to change the world, make it brighter and happier and healthier. I want to make people safe. I want all these things, yet all I've been doing is staying in bed and coddling myself. So what do I do now? How do I start to change. I suppose I'll just have to take it step by step, day by day, stone by stone.