Stone by Stone

Denial

I feel lost. Like my bones are quaking in a different vibration than the ground. My heart feels heavier than normal, breathing almost feels useless. Why fill something up when it only hurts you?

He was really sweet today, though. He always is. I don't know why I said it like that.

He hurts me and not because he's awful but because he's everything I've ever wanted. And it's in my hands and I don't know what to do with it. I'm stuck wondering if this is all worth it. If he's worth it. If this voice in my head writing this has the right plan for me. Maybe I should succumb to the writer. Maybe I should stop thinking to myself.

I'm a very inward person. I see things inside out and I will be both stubbornly wrong and stubbornly right in the break of a heart.

Time is such a funny concept. We have daily tasks, even when we think we have a break we don't. Everything just goes on and on and drains you. And drains what innocence you had and drains what happiness you have and finds the thing that's fatal to you and hands it to you like a present.

I am completely off the point of this. I really can't own up to being a really fucked up person. I always think I'm fucked up normal. As if that's a thing.

I hurt people because I'm hurt and I've convinced myself I'm the opposite. I always thought my actions came from the right place, but I guess they were deeper than I wanted to believe. The traumatic experiences I tried to suppress so well just so I could be normal rear their head in the ugliest ways.

When he doesn't reply for an hour. When he looks me in the eye and tells me he loves me. When he tries to get to know me better.

I can't escape genuine emotions, and they start to feel like an attack. As if I'm trapped in my own mind and my hormones take the wheel and I am no longer myself but defined by my serotonin and dopamine levels. And then I snap.

I always convince myself it's for the right reasons, and I guess it helped me live with myself.

Wishing that life were easier only makes it harder. Only makes you wish you had what you will never, and always makes you thirst for a person that doesn't exist.

I always hold my partners to higher standards than myself. How can you expect extraordinary people to come into your life and stay if you're less than what they deserve.