Stone by Stone

anxiety

He grabbed me when i couldn't look at him and tell him how i felt. He tried to guide me and i turned it away and blamed him for everything evil in me. Everything in the world. He did things that hurt me, he did things that were human, and i patronized him for it. I pushed him down because that's how I felt. I felt like he was doing it, too. Idk if I imagined that or not, I still can't decide.

I don't understand why he's sticking around. Why he's still here after every way he says that I've made him feel. And how I'm reacting to it now. How I'm running away again.

My chest pounds and lunges. It vibrates my skull and yanks my rib cage in and out in and out in and out. I can't breathe anymore because I stole his air. I made him feel how I felt which I wouldn't wish upon an enemy but I cursed him with. I let him love something like me. An insecure malice vengeful girl faceted as a young adult. Of a struggling teen girl. And I absorb the pity and run with it.

Let it run me.

Run away from everything but sadness and hurt and anger. But downs and ups and security I call toxicity. The security I set up for myself, the miles of obstacle courses I build for those close to me. The tests i put my loved ones through because they have to prove something.

Everything I wrote about him. Was about me. I'm him he is her. I'm the victimizer, i wrote him as my villian when he's nothing but a man who loves me. A man who should be my hero.

I hurt him for my own pleasure? Do I? Or do I hurt him for my own security, so i know that if he left i could blame it on my trauma. I like to cause a lot of drama, that's what he said. Thank you for being an actor and noticing my insecurity. I wish you understood my pain, too. So I didn't have to look in the mirror and ask myself. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing and I pretend to so I'm secure, so I always have my confidence.

I sound just like a villian, don't I?

Predatory, narcissist, hypocritical.

Nice to meet you, and what do I have the pleasure of referring to you as?