Stone by Stone

Denial

I'm a waste of time. He looked me in my eye he watched my lips quiver and he told me I was a waste of his time. He claimed he was being too harsh and that he was just sick of dealing with my problems.

I shouldn't have come home drunk those couple times. I shouldn't be so stressed out all the time. I shouldn't always be in a bad mood. I should keep it pushing more and stop crying so much.

He's sitting in the living room. He's using my laptop, and it makes him happy. I want him to be happy, but it hurts too much to accept he can't get what he needs from me. I could never be his world, nothing he has would he allow to revolve around me.

That's probably why I've always loved the sun, even got a tattoo of it. I've never been the center of anyone's universe, and I've allowed one too many. I've never been given what I have offered, and I've gifted plenty.

He's put pain in me one too many times. Regardless of my actions, regardless of how I garnered them myself, he was still the bearer. He still hurt me intentionally, when that could never be an option for me. Not with him. He's always been different.

If he had listened maybe he'd know how important he was, maybe he wouldn't always be begging for me to cure his ego fix. To give him an injection of my admiration. He always seems to do that, so why did he fault me for asking for more. I couldn't get high off the dose he gave me.

He hit me like a drug, anyways, in every other aspect. I used to whisper his name in my sleep, I would dream he were there and I was terrified of how hard and heavy I fell. I tied cement rocks to myself and smiled as I plummeted. Now I can't breathe.

I love his smile. I love the small inflections in his voice you'd only know if you knew him. The way his laugh carries, and shows his silly. The moments he would look at me like I was all of him, and that meant more to him than anyone else. The passion in his goals, and the drive in his capability. The honesty he lived by, the compassion he exhaled without reference.

I miss you to my core, Kyle.