We Meet Again

Chapter 4: Confession of a Divorcee

          I groggily hit the snooze button on my alarm clock, plopping back onto my bed. I buried my head as deep as I could, into the depths of my pillow, while still managing to get oxygen as I attempted to gain more sleep.

          Oh, who was I kidding? Once I was awake- I was awake. Anyways, it was a big day for me- my first day on set- Monday number one on the set of Lovely.

          Groaning, I swung my legs over the side of the bed, taking my time to actually stand up and shuffle to the bathroom where my clothes for the day were already laid out.

          After washing my face and brushing my teeth I felt energized and ready to take on the day.

          I went on to begin applying my makeup lightly.

          As I applied a swift stroke of blush to each of the apples of my cheeks, I realized that I wasn't all that excited- and I thought I knew why.

          Getting dressed was the easiest part of the morning, apart from grabbing my purse and bidding Aunt Lana goodbye on my way out the door.

          I took her car- a 2013 rose gold Infiniti Sedan- and backed out with ease down the steep and treacherous driveway.

          The whole drive to set, I wanted the feeling of ecstasy and excitement to bloom within me and brighten my face with something other the highlighter I'd specially applied on my cheekbones this morning.

          But the whole twenty-five minutes I cruised down the slick roads of Bakersfield, California, I not once got that feeling or anything close. Once I'd thought I had a wisp of excitement surge through me but it just ended up being the yowl of my famished stomach.

          Damn, I knew I'd forgotten something this morning.

           As I parked in my reserved spot in front of the designated location where we'd be shooting this scene, I realized that there was a very prominent emotion blocking out all the emotions I'd longed for- the emotions I'd rather have- the emotions I'd take in place of the one ruling over my insides. That emotion was dread and it was shielding any joy I might possibly hope to have in this experience from my heart.

          I tried to reason that this dread wasn't actually dread- that it was nerves. That didn't work, even for a second.

          Then I tried to convince myself that the dread I was experiencing was for some unknown reason- maybe for the fear of something bad to happen on set- Example: me breaking my leg- literally.

          I even tried telling myself it was some supernatural thing I had going on in my head and I was really foreseeing the dread that was yet to strike.

          In the end, I knew that none of these excuses came close to the dread knotting up my stomach in a million and one different ways. I think I'd known all along where this feeling keeping me from having a good time originated- it conjured up inside of me when I first locked eyes with Josh this past weekend.

          I was scared and dreading the moment I walked in that front door because I knew, in my gut, that Josh would be there, and he would most definitely find me.

          I mustered up all the courage and any positive feelings that could slip through the thin crevices that the dread-shield aloud, as I tried ripping it to pieces, and trudged toward the sleek double doors that awaited me.

~***~

          “And that's a wrap people! Make sure if you're going to be here next week to come and pick up you're scripts!” Allan pronounced in his megaphone, which I truly believed he was in love with.