Coming Home //LS// Back 10/13/17

Chapter Four

The night is quiet once everyone goes to sleep, the wind and my breathing are the only things I hear. I can't turn my brain off all night. The thing is, of course Harry would move on. I should've never expected him to wait because a person like Harry deserves everything in life and for four years I gave him nothing. That doesn't mean that while I was in London I wasn't doing my damn best to be better for him. Everything I did there was for him in one way or another. Washing myself hoping I would someday get to go back, and when I did go back I was going to look my best for him. When I ate, I ate knowing that if I came back I would have to be healthy and living for him. Ha, what a joke.

I remember the night I left, we were watching the Late Late Show before bed and we were happy, well, I was trying my best to look happy. I had been planning to leave for a week, I had already put it off as long as I could. I smiled and laughed, and it was for the most part real because I knew soon I would have to leave him and I was just happy I could spend that time with him. I wanted to remember his smiling face and his long hair and his bright green eyes for as long as I lived, which at that point I wasn't sure if I was going to. I knew where I was going and I didn't have much faith I would come back.

He looked at me talking about how great it was that James Corden was visiting cancer kids and his eyes shined with happiness for them as well as sadness because "they're just kids, Lou." But I hugged him, I hugged him so tight in hopes of washing any sadness away because that's what you do for people you love.

We had gone to bed happily talking about how we were going to a birthday party for one of Gemma's friends the next week. Of course I had known I wouldn't be going, but what can you do? He didn't know what to get her and I suggested maybe a basket filled with smaller items which he had turned down as it was unoriginal.

"Lou," I remember him whispering into the dark, "I love you so much." We were cuddled together while he was drifting off to sleep slowly.

"I love you too. Don't ever forget how much I love you." I was crying while I said it, but he'll never know because he was almost asleep, basically dead to the world in that moment. I bet he wasn't expecting to wake up in the morning and not find me there, or anywhere for that matter. I bet he noticed a lot of my clothes, phone, keys, car, and suitcase gone too. I'm almost definitely sure he had expected me to come home at the end of the day with a weird story about what I had done and why, and when I never came I bet he cried. That's what hurt, knowing he was probably expecting me to return for the first few days maybe even weeks or months, knowing that he probably cried a lot.

What also hurts is the sun beaming into my eyes through the curtains and finding out I stayed up all night and now it's 8:00 in the morning. I sigh before getting up and stretching, my bones pop and my eyes scan the room for something to wear. I still fit in my clothes here, I knew I must because I had actually lost weight while I was away, so I went to the dresser and got put boxers a sweatshirt and some jeans. I didn't want to put on anything that would show how skinny I was because I knew my family would worry. Though, I'm sure they knew when they hugged me, I'm sure I feel slim.

Walking down stairs to noise and the smell of pancakes hits me harder than it should. I stop in the middle of the stairs because I'm so overwhelmed with waking up near family. I half expected- well I'd actually just rather not think about it. I'll save thinking about everything until my call with the therapist, Niall, this evening. I'm sure he'll be thrilled, as a man payed to study me and monitor my recovery, that I'm slowly sinking and all new problems are popping up.

I steady my heart, as much as I can, before walking into the kitchen hoping they don't all stop talking and being happy. They don't. I let out a sigh of relief as I greet everyone and they greet me. They seem to have forgotten everything that happened yesterday, but I know they haven't. That doesn't mean I'm not going to go along with pretending though.

"Lou what do you want in your pancakes?" Mum asks over the sound of Fizzy and Lottie arguing. I think it's something about which major is really the best or something. Always competing, just like I remember.

"Blueberries, please!" I respond quickly. I'm not sure how much I'll be able to eat, but the thought of real food for the first time in six years sounds like heaven. I sit at the table and listen in on my sisters while I wait.

"But without a photography major the fashion industry would be useless!"

"I beg to differ! The fashion industry will always go on because people will always want fashion, we don't need people who use cameras, anyone can do that!"

The debate keeps going, lively and loud, and before I know it Mum is putting a plate in front of me. "Thanks," I say shoveling a bite into my mouth. As expected, it tastes amazing and I almost groan at how good it is. Also as expected, though, is that with one bite it settles like a rock in my stomach. Even leading up to coming here, while I rested, I hadn't had anything heavy or rich and I hadn't eaten much of what I did have.

About six considerably large bites later I've had half of my stack, and it's way too much. I feel heavy and gross. I'm about to voice this to my mum when the doorbell rings and she goes to answer it. At the sound of Gemma's voice saying "Is it true?" I turn and empty my stomach into the rubbish bin.

A/N: Don't forget to vote also I'll have a Twitter up soon for updates on this. I'll post the name on my account and also in the next update!! :) thanks for reading as always!