"Daddy!" I heard her call as soon as I walked in the door. I watched as she ran toward me, her tiny blonde curls bouncing joyfully on her head. I buried my face in those tiny ringlets as I caught her in my arms. The little one inch curls were yet another reminder of the treatment she'd been going through and I again thought about all the people that are going to have contributed to her well-being.
"Hey, Baby. I missed you." I whispered in her ear as I listened to the steady sound of her breathing. I could feel her tiny heartbeat on my hand as I stroked her head and the back of her neck. She was so precious.
And impatient, "Daddy, guess what I did yesterday!" she pulled away and started bouncing her jolly little bounce, wide awake despite the late hour, "Guess, Daddy, guess!" Antsy, she cried for me to participate in her game.
"Hmmmm. Did you go ice skating?" I asked her.
"No, Daddy." She giggled, enjoying her game.
"Hmmmm." I said, tapping my chin, "Well then. Did you get ice cream?"
"No! Silly Daddy, guess again!" she demanded.
"I think you and your Mommy went out to dinner!" I declared throwing my finger in the air in a matter of fact manner.
She giggled again, a tiny sound that clenched my heart with joy, "No, Daddy! That's wrong!"
"Well then what did you do, Mickey?"
"We went to church! And they let me talk to Jesus!" she smiled that adorable smile, dimples and all, and waited expectantly for my answer.
"You did!" I sounded surprised, even to me. We never went to church.
"Yep! And you know what else, Daddy!" she whispered.
"What?" I whispered back.
"They told me that if I go home and talk to Jesus in a quiet place, he might talk back! And I tried it, I waited in my room for FOREVER!" she announced, "And I tried to listen quietly for Jesus, but then Samantha started picking on Bobby and I had to separated their fight, so I missed what Jesus had to say! But I'm gonna try again tomorrow!"
I looked up at my wife, confused, "Samantha is her new doll. The nurse bought it for her." She told me, and I could fill in the blanks from there. Bobby was her favorite doll; the one that all the other ones picked on so Mickey could say they were bad and not allowed to sleep with her that night. So of course the new doll had to pick on Bobby.
"It sounds like you had a great time, Angel." I picked her up and started towards the stairs, "Are you ready to go to bed now?" I asked her.
"Mommy let me stay up all night so I could see you when you came home Daddy! She said that I would have to be a good girl and go to bed once you got here though. Do I have to Daddy?" she looked at me with her puppy dog eyes and I had to really try not to give in.
"Yes, Mommy said you have to, so you have to."
"Okay." She spoke in such a dejected voice that I almost changed my mind, after all, she'd been sick for almost a year now, the girl needed some fun in her life; but one look at my Ruth told me I would not win that argument.
As I laid Mikayla in her bed and watched her eyes blink sleepily, I thought she must have had a long, hard day and she'd be ready for bed. Just as I was turning out the light and about to shut the door, she all of a sudden bolted upright in bed and called to me, "Daddy! I almost forgot to tell you the bestest news!"
"What did you forget to tell me?" I asked, turning around.
Her face glowed with a smile as she said, "The pastor told me I should bring my Daddy with me next week and he could talk to Jesus too."
"Well I guess we'll see." I told her, and her face fell.
"But Daddy, don't you want to talk to Jesus?" she asked me. Not really, I thought, he'll just hate me for killing those people. But I couldn't tell my little girl that, she wouldn't understand.
"I don't know, Baby, I haven't talked to Jesus before. I don't think he'd like me very much.
"That's silly, Daddy. The teacher with the snacks told me that Jesus loves everybody no matter what, so he'll love you too, Daddy. And me! And Mommy!" Her childish innocence was such a beautiful thing that I couldn't even tell her how stupid these notions were. A God who loves everyone with all the violence in this world? Ridiculous. But I couldn't deny that smile.
"Well that's a good thing. I love you, Baby Doll." I told her, blowing her a kiss.
"I love you too, Daddy." She yawned.
"Go to sleep." I flicked on the princess nightlight and closed the door behind me.
I fumed silently in my head as I headed back down the stairs. Ruth was waiting for me at the table with a plate of food heated up. The smile she wore when I walked in faltered as she picked up on my mood.
"Bobb? Honey, what's wrong?"
I stared at her in disbelief. How could she not know what was wrong? We've never been church goers before. Church was just a feel good scam to get your money. All those old preachers ranting about a crazy fanatic who died thousands of years ago saving us all from a fiery doom as long as we trust in him, and then asking us to give them money to support their crazy gatherings. It was a load of baloney. The only time my wife ever prayed was when she was desperate and even then it was just for the comfort that wishful thinking brings. She knew that it was a farce just as much as I did; yet she still took our daughter into that place.
"Church?" I said in such an aggressive tone as I gripped the back of the chair I was standing behind, "You took her to church." I made it sound like the dirty word it should be. Her face seemed to pale and she opened her mouth as if to say something but I interrupted her, "Oh please, go ahead. I want to hear the wonderful excuse you have for taking her to that place." I didn't give her a chance to defend herself, "You and me both know what it's like there. All they really want is your money. They fill your head with all these feel good lies that have no solid support. All they're going to do is get her hopes up and then they're going to get crushed when she finds out it's not true. It's like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy! Jesus is just as real as the freaking Easter Bunny and when she finds out she's going to be crushed! I for one am not going to have this one on my head. This one is all on you. When she comes crying to us because some kid explained that he's just some old, dead, crazy fanatic you can explain to her why you took her to church. Or can you? Is there really any reason you..."
"Enough. Bobb." She said. She gave me that look that only mothers can give and I stood there and silently fumed as I waited for her next words, "She batted her eyelashes and asked me nicely if she could go with her friend two weeks ago. I let her." she gave me a hard look as she spoke the next sentence, "I didn't see the harm in her visiting with a friend. She came home so excited and so happy. I haven't seen her smile like that in a long time," it was true, her smiles have been a little deflated since the chemo started and it was brighter today, "When she asked to go the next week I hesitated. I knew you wouldn't like it. But Bobb, she was so happy." Her eyes pleaded with me to understand, "I wanted to see her happy like that again. So I gave in and we went." She stared at me pleadingly as I glared in her direction.
"They're going to give her false hope. Is that a trade you're willing to make for her temporary happiness? Her imminent sadness?"
She thought about it as her eyes slowly filled with tears, "Yes." When I stared at her incredulously she explained, "Because all we have right now is hope."
I couldn't stay mad at her as much as I wanted to so I sat down silently and held her hand as she cried. I wanted so badly to be mad at her for this. Because now that we've given it to her there's no way we can take it back without hurting her. I also knew that if I had been in her place I might've given in the same way because there is nothing we wouldn't do at this point to make whatever time she has with us happy time. So I held her hand and allowed myself to just be happy I was home.
