#Wattys2017 - A Glimpse of Freedom

Chapter Five - Marvin Straussberg

 I woke up to the sound of my alarm and felt incredibly groggy. My breath smelt horrible and I really had to pee. I got up to use the washroom and remembered that Daisy was sleeping over tonight, she didn't want to go home. I quickly did my business and walked out of the washroom and I noticed someone curled up under the sheets in my bed. I dismissed the person to just be Jenny, until I realized that Jenny wasn't even here. She was on a plane flying to Hawaii, without knowing about everything I've done during the first night she's been gone.

The feeling of regret is something strong. No painkiller can fix it and no surgery can remove it. The only thing you can do is live with the regret; even if I tell Jenny, I won't feel any better about it. Maybe she'll understand that I was just drunk, that I was being plainly stupid. I should tell her, shouldn't I?

But how would I tell her? How do I tell my wife, the person who has been faithful to me all my life, that I have just cheated on her? That I have betrayed her trust? How do I tell Jenny that I'm nothing more than unfaithful scum? Maybe it's best I don't tell her. After all, ignorance is bliss.

I finally decide to wake up Daisy and she seems to realize the situation she's in. She still doesn't know about my wife, so the situation for her isn't nearly as bad. We both clean ourselves up and make our way down the stairs. I have a pounding headache and it isn't going to be going away soon, I wonder what it'll be like at work today, with the feeling of regret holding me with a leash around my neck, choking me and killing me slowly.

Daisy seems pretty unhappy about the situation as well. She won't even look at me, but she's already said she knows it's not my fault. It's ironic; she came here trying to escape an affair and ended up having one. I can't help but feel I took advantage of her, but I might as well get over it soon. I can't let things like these hold me back.

I wonder what Daisy is thinking about. Is she thinking about her husband? Maybe she's thinking about the situation we've thrown ourselves into. I stumble over a pile of cans and she seems to scoff; I can tell she really doesn't like me anymore. I can't say I'm not surprised, though. It's not like I didn't just take advantage of her, right?

She keeps shooting me glares as we drive to work together. I've already decided that we should just say you missed your bus and you needed a ride, just in case somebody decides to bring up the fact that we went to work together. I can't help but wonder what led up to the sequence of events that took place last night.

I wonder if this really isn't my own fault, I wonder if it's just because I'm getting older. I feel like I don't see Jenny the same as I did when we first got married. Maybe her lips just feel like something different, something that's not like her lips. She doesn't feel as warm as she did when she was younger, and I don't think my heart feels the same way as it used to. I guess it's all apart of aging, but I would do whatever I could to prevent it. Obviously, it wasn't enough.

We arrive at work and Daisy gets out and slams the door before I even set the car to park. I wait for her to get into the elevator and for the elevator to go up before I get out and get into the elevator. To my surprise, Daisy was in the elevator, staring right at me into my eyes for the first time this morning. I came in and the elevator went up until halfway up Daisy stopped it and looked at me.

After a deafening silence, Daisy finally spoke.

"Why did you take advantage of me?" Daisy asked. She doesn't know I was drunk too.

I think about my words, this is a delicate situation. "I was drunk too," I plainly say, "I wasn't in control over myself."

"Yeah, right." Daisy says. She doesn't believe me, why would she? I'm nothing but an idiot who doesn't think properly. I doubt I can even be considered as a good person after all I've done, yet I still decide it's worth justifying myself.

"I was, really. You saw those cans I stumbled over, do you think you could drink all of that?" I asked.

"Probably," she responds. She's stopped looking at me now, she's looking at the floor.

"And I stumbled over them because I was hungover." I conclude.

"Really?" she asks, "I thought you just stumbled over them because you're a dumbass and a clutz."

I press the button and before we reach the top, she says, "I hope you don't have a wife. I'm hoping all those pictures of a woman you have hung up everywhere is just a friend or sibling, or your mom or something. Maybe a daughter."

She walks out and I feel dumbfounded. Daisy knows nothing of my life, my lack of a family and Jenny's infertility. I guess I can't really blame her, she's only worked here for two years. It's not like she knows everything about my life.

I can't say that this has been easy. Breaking this cycle, all for a breath of fresh air, really isn't all as it seems right now. Hopefully it gets better, hopefully I get to feel sunlight on my old skin.