#Wattys2017 - A Glimpse of Freedom

Chapter Seven - Marvin Straussberg

 Jenny's plane is landing today. I'm not quite sure if I can even stomach seeing her anymore after what I did. Work hasn't even been going all that well, and on top of that I had an affair? How am I supposed to break everything to her? I can't tell her about the affair, not yet. I don't want to ruin her happy mood after she lands. She must be so excited to tell me everything that happened while she was away in Hawaii. Maybe she learned to surf, maybe she danced, maybe she drank more, maybe she met another man..

I can't think like this. I'm blaming her for something I did, and even worse so it was me betraying her. I can't believe I'm getting jealous of her after what I've done, how horrible could I be? How low could I stoop? I can't forget what's happened, I can't just put it aside. I feel so guilt and so horrible, and I guess I deserve it.

For the first time, I've had to drink in the morning. I just had a can to calm my nerves. Today is sunday and the office is closed, luckily, so I don't have to worry about being drunk at work. Speaking of work, I don't want to go tomorrow. Tomorrow might just be my last day and I spent most of my savings on that trip to Hawaii. I wonder how much could have been avoided if I went with her. Maybe I could still consider myself a good person.

I can't say I'm excited to see her. I know that when I look at her I'll feel a lot of regret. She'll be happy to see me, like she always is, telling me that a vacation was exactly what she needed.. I won't be able to share the feeling. I can't tell her what it did, but it will just eat away at me. I crack open another can of beer and chug it. That was my second can, I'm already feeling kind of tipsy.

I need to put the beer away; I have to pick up Jenny soon. I can't control myself when I'm drunk, which was shown back when Jenny first left. I drink a couple glasses of water and eat some bread, and dump the rest of the cans into the sink. I can't control myself, I can't control..

My urges. I'm normally unmotivated until something catches my interest, and then I start to excel in whatever I'm interested in. Only for a short time, I get bored of everything. Nothing is enough to satisfy me. I'm like a greedy king; I'll take and take and never give back.

At this point, I wouldn't even mind if Jenny decided to leave me. I'm not enough; Jenny wanted children, a happy family, somebody to be with until "death do us part". I am not that. Jenny could never have her happy family because she was infertile and she won't have somebody to be with because I've already betrayed my oath. It's not because I didn't love her, it's because I began to seek something else; I wanted to see the world, I wanted to be young again. Jenny was content how she was, even if her dreams weren't fulfilled. I am selfish.

Driving to the airport was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I can't shake the feeling that Jenny already knows. Even worse is that she might even be able to read my expressions that something is wrong. She knows me well enough to know how I am when I'm quiet; she knows me better than myself.

I'm still a little bit tipsy. I'll make it to the airport just fine and back, but if Jenny doesn't notice how I look to be feeling, she might just notice I'm acting a little more sluggish. She might be mad that I've been drinking, just because how I've been about her drinking. She'll probably think that I'm a hypocrite; after all, I've been insensitive about her reasons for drinking and now I'm drinking. I can't just tell her what's up, though. This isn't the type of thing to just talk about with family, after all. This is so much more than just that.

Arriving at the airport, I sat in the car for a while thinking about what I was going to say to Jenny. "Hello, how are you?" I said to myself, over and over, trying to find a good, happy tone to speak in. I could smell alcohol on my breath. I searched around for a gum, and I remembered I had a pack stashed somewhere. I popped in two pieces of gum in hope that it would freshen up my breath faster. My phone started to ring and Jenny was calling. I waited a couple of moments before answering the phone.

"Hello?" I said, despite knowing who it was.

"Hey!" Jenny said, over the line with her sweet voice. "Haven't talked to you since I lifted off last week! We landed safely, I'll be out in a little while." Jenny says.

"All right, I'll meet you there." I say.

"Love you! Bye!" Jenny says.

I start to choke up. I can't respond to something I don't mean; after all, why would I have an affair? I must not love her, I can't lie to her.

"I'll see you soon." I say and hang up immediately. I definitely didn't play that smoothly.

I waited in the car for a little while before Jenny called me to meet her up at the luggage area. I headed out and helped her grab her luggage. She seemed excited to talk, but it was too loud in the airport and in the parking lot, so I asked her to wait until we got to the car to talk.

"So how was your trip?" I ask, trying to sound normal as I start the car.

"It was great! Heather and I, we went hula dancing, we learned how to surf, we had smoothies, we met the hottest lifeguard.." Jenny continued for a little while.

"You guys seem to have had a lot of fun, huh." I say.

"Yeah, I wish you could have been there!" Jenny says gleefully.

"I wish I could have too." I respond.

The rest of the ride home was quiet. Jenny was tired from her flight and slept on the way home, and I carried her to bed. I showered and slept too. Maybe it won't be so bad being with her, talking to her has made me feel a little bit less guilty.