Heroes Without Capes

Alone

Ooshiba collapsed on his futon, burying his face in the pillow. He didn't want to think. He didn't want to feel. All he wanted was to forget about today, forget about all that happened and wake up to discover it had all been a long, scary dream.

His chest was overflowing with emotion, so many feelings he couldn't understand. Pain, disappointment, anger, sadness, frustration, jealousy, loneliness. Today had been a nightmare. Everything had gone terribly, horribly wrong, and he didn't want to remember. He wanted to shut it all out and stop feeling. Why couldn't he stop feeling?

He hated Kimishita. He hated his stupid, stupid captain for not listening to him, for not hearing him out and pushing him away and making it so painfully clear that he thought nothing of him. And he hated himself for being angry and frustrated and disappointed. Why was he so surprised? They had always hated each other. They had been sworn enemies from the very first second they met. He should never have expected a guy like him to listen to his advice, to respect him or even like him. What did he even have? Skills at soccer, yes. Rich parents. Good looks, maybe. That was all. How could he expect anyone to like him for that alone? Kimishita was right. He was just an idiot, a big child who wouldn't grow up. No wonder his captain thought so little of him.

And yet... why couldn't he stop loving him?

Why couldn't he just turn off his feelings and stop loving him? It hurt him! It hurt... it hurt so much.

It hurt to see Kimishita push him away when he tried to warn him, then listen to that stupid Ubukata when she said the exact same thing. Why Ubukata of all people? What did she have that Ooshiba didn't?

Brains. Manners. Maturity.

Kimishita's voice echoed in his mind, razor-sharp and furious and stabbing through his heart like a burning, glowing blade. Maybe you could also try using some facts! Facts! Maybe I don't listen to you because you're stupid!

What was with him? It wasn't his fault he wasn't book-smart like Kimishita or Ubukata! Did that mean he couldn't have a valid point? Did Kimishita think everything that came from his mouth was childish nonsense, just because he didn't get good grades?

No, Kimishita wasn't that kind of guy. He didn't mind people being stupid. He'd listened to Captain Mizuki's every word back in the day, even though most of it had been incomprehensible and he'd failed all his classes. This wasn't about grades or intelligence. It was about him. Kimishita had said all that because he didn't want to listen to him.

Please, someone take away these feelings. I don't want them. They're hurting me!

Ooshiba's eyes burned with tears, blurring his vision, gathering on his eyelashes and threatening to fall. He wiped them away with a furious huff. Like hell he was crying over this asshole! If Kimishita didn't like him back, fine. Who cared! He could always move on and be done with it!

Kimishita's face flickered through his mind again. Kimishita, smiling when he started taking practice more seriously, smirking when he scored a goal. Kimishita, scoring a free kick for him even though he hadn't wanted to take the risk, just to do him the favor. Kimishita, praising him talking to his father on the phone. Kimishita, admitting they were friends and playing soccer with him and telling him about his secrets and taking a bite from his ramen and falling asleep on his shoulder.

This guy... Why was he getting his hopes up? Why was he going around being nice to him, only to push him away in the end? He should just reject him, once and for all!

No. Who was he kidding. He didn't want that. He didn't want Kimishita to reject him. He didn't want to lose him. But he didn't want this either, this uncertainty, the feeling of losing Kimishita over and over again. He...