Fractured Mind

Chapter 5

Peter blinked and shook his head. Was he still dreaming? He looked around again and, sure enough, Gwen was still standing in his room.

This was unlike any of the dreams he had had before. For one, Gwen was always someone else to begin with. Yet there she was, arms crossed and smiling at him like she was the lucky one. She had on her mint green jacket and pleated mini skirt with her thigh-high black boots - the same outfit she had worn on the last night of her life.

Without another moment's hesitation, he leapt from his bed and bounded over to her with outstretched arms. He stopped right before he touched her, remembering that it would always wake him from his dream. He let his arms fall to his side and looked into Gwen's eyes with a glum expression.

"It's okay, Peter," Gwen told him morosely.

He reached up to pull her into his arms, but they went right through her as if she were a ghost. She offered him a tiny smile.

"I'm not going to leave you just yet," she whispered.

"Gwen, I'm so sorry-" he started, his eyes tearing up.

"Shh-" she cut him off by placing her finger an inch away from his mouth. "Peter, I know how you're feeling. You blame yourself for what happened to me. You're the one who tried to save me. This was not your fault, Peter."

"How can you say that Gwen? I know it was my fault. Every night you tell me it was my fault. And then now you're saying it's not," he let out a small laugh. "I know what happened. None of this would have happened if I hadn't been so selfish."

"This is Harry's fault, Peter. Even mine. It was my choice to come there and help you. I wouldn't have changed it for the world. If I hadn't been there, you could have-"

"Could have what Gwen? Died!? Well guess what it would have been a hell of a lot better then letting you take my place. I would give anything to switch places with you."

"People need you, Peter. The city needs Spider-Man."

"No. No, I'm done with that. Like you said, Spider-Man is dangerous, he only causes destruction and misery."

"Peter! None of this is real. You know that right? They're dreams, that's it! You can't believe everything that I say to you."

Peter dropped down on his bed, wrapping his arms around himself.

"Gwen, I- I killed you. I'm a murderer."

"Peter..." she sighed. "I've got to go. Be careful, I love you."

"Please Gwen, don't leave, I can't do this without you," he jumped up from the bed a second too late. Gwen had vanished.

"Dammit!" Peter shouted to his empty room.

He looked around his room again, confused. Had he woken up? He didn't feel like he was sleeping but he couldn't remember actually waking up. He gave his arm a hard pinch and he definitely felt pain.

Okay, so I am awake, he thought. I never woke up though, was none of this actually a dream? He started pacing around his room. I'm going crazy, that's the only explanation. Gwen was in my room, I was talking to her, and then she disappeared. Am I making this all up in my head?

All of a sudden, more negative emotions starting sweeping into his head. All he could think about was Gwen.

The pain was too much for him to handle. He sank to his knees and grabbed his hair with both hands. Why couldn't he escape this pain? Is this what was in store for him for the rest of his life? He was never going to escape this guilt he felt over Gwen's death, but maybe it was better this way. He deserved it. He should be in her place, she had her whole life planned out and he took that away from her. Gwen Stacy was his path in life and now that she was gone, he didn't know what he was supposed to do now.

You know what you need to do now. To make the pain go away. The guilt, the suffering, the regret, you can make it all go away.

How!? Peter asked himself.

You need to be with Gwen again. The voice in his head stated.

Gwen's dead. I killed her.

Exactly... The voice faded away.

Peter knew he was going crazy now. Normal people didn't talk to themselves like this. He was far too broken to go back to his normal life as he had been trying to do. Maybe he was right, maybe the only way to truly be happy was to end his life. At least he would be with Gwen again.

He felt his nails digging into his arms and looked down. He had drawn blood without realizing it. A puncture mark where his nail had dug in started to slowly drip blood but he paid it no attention. By tonight it would be healed without even a scar.

"PETER!"

Peter whipped his head to his bedroom door behind him, startled to see that Aunt May was standing in his doorway with her hands on her hips.

"Peter what is wrong with you!? I've been calling you for several minutes and you've just been staring at the floor. Why are you on the floor?"

He swiftly stood up and shrugged, "m'sorry."

Her eyes narrowed at him and she shook her head, "I was just wondering if you were planning on-" she deliberated for a moment, "going to see Gwen's grave today. You're usually out of the house by now."

"Oh...no," he had already seen Gwen today. Not some hostile dream version of her, but he felt as if he spoke with the real Gwen.

Her eyes opened in surprise at first, but she quickly masked it and smiled at him, "oh, good. Maybe you can help me start dinner then? You've been asleep for ages!" she shut his door and walked back downstairs.

So he had been sleeping. As if this couldn't get anymore confusing for him. He peered at his alarm clock which read 4:17pm. Wow.

He walked over to the window to get some fresh air, and he saw the note Harry had left. As he reached out to grab it, he noticed that the window opposite from him was open as well. He thought that was odd, because that was the guest room at his neighbor Anna Watson's house. Just then, Mary Jane entered the room. Grabbing the note, he was about to shut the window when he heard, "Peter?"

He looked up and saw Mary Jane with her head sticking out the window grinning at him. Her hair look wet as if she had just taken a shower.

"Oh uh, h-hey," he stuttered awkwardly.

"Aunt Anna is letting me take over the guest room! Remember when we would make telephones out of string and plastic cups and use these windows to communicate to each other?"

"Yeah, no, I remember," he stared at her. He hadn't expected her to remember such a trivial detail of their childhood.

"Good times," she murmured.

"Yeah."

"Oh yeah Pete! Before I forget, it was actually a huge coincidence. Guess who I met today while I was picking up dinner for tonight!?"

"Who?" he questioned. He couldn't take his eyes off the smile she was giving him. It looked just like the one Gwen gave him earlier today...

"Harry Osborn!"

"H-Harry? You saw him!?" his voice got louder.

"Yeah, he said he just got back from vacation. Lucky him, huh? Well, gotta go get dinner started. See you later!" she shut the window and started drying her hair off with the towel that was around her shoulders.

After shutting the window he realized the note was still in his hand, crumpled into a little ball. What was he going to do? Harry's note was pretty clear, but what was he going to do about it? He wasn't Spider-Man anymore.

One thing he was sure of though, Gwen Stacy would have given him the advice he needed. If he hadn't killed her, that is.