Secret Stathan

A/N: guess im posting this here too

For the past 3 years, I've lived in fear. I was convinced the world I live in didn't accept me, didn't want me around. Wanted me dead. It's sad that I can't be myself without getting judged because that's the world we live in. I haven't felt real, pure happiness in 3 years. It's sad but... I've gotten used to it. I have only one person that I know I can turn to, for help or just someone to talk to but I don't because I don't want to be an annoyance. I don't want to throw my personal problems on them, especially when that could cause them to stop coming to me when they need it and I want to be there whenever I can. We aren't even related so they could leave or turn on me at any time. I guess I don't have anyone...

Fear and pain: 2 feelings that I know way too well. Fear of being a constant pain in the ass. Fear of people finding out about a health issue that i put on myself 3 years ago- now i have to suffer with the consequences and make sure nobody finds or because I'm terrified of people leaving me. Pain from all the emotional and mental abuse I get so often from my own mind. I want a fresh start. I need a fresh start, maybe that could help me. I want to be happy again, not that I know what that is or what it feels like but still. I've been silenting screaming for help but nobody hears my pleas. Ive been trying to make it obvious so i could possibly force myself to tell atleast one lesson that cared but nobody does. The one person i reached out to never answered, even though she's been trying- tried to convince me that I'm not insignificant. Words don't matter if your actions betray you... Not even my best friend, the one person who knows almost everything about me notices what is happening. I'm not so slowly drowning in my own sorrow and no one is willing to save me, just turn a blind eye.

Sometimes, I wish I could just never wake up. Or I would get in some sort of accident that would take away my life. I have- had people tell me that I'm important to them, they wouldn't know what to do if I died but I'm only one person. I am insignificant and it doesn't matter if I were to give up.

I try to stay strong but it's hard. I feel pressured to do good in school. I feel pressured to make others feel better. I feel pressured help other people with their problems. I guess I never thought that my own heath should be first but I'm already in the habit of taking care of other people instead of myself so there's nothing I can do now. It's sad I'm just realizing this now. After 3 years and this all started when I was 12, almost 13.

Maybe I should give up, that seems like the easy way out. Maybe I should keep fighting to stay strong for someone who might need me. But, they could find someone else... It wouldn't matter if I gave up. Life moves on, things change. People change and people forget. People will move on and I'll just a myth of their imagination.

The three years of constant pain and suffering haven't stopped.

The three years of living in the shadows give me relief.

the three years of pretending to be okay have made me more miserable.

The three years of faking happiness have made me an expert.

3 years of my life being a living hell because of my abusive relationship with Depression.

After 3 years, I'm still slowly killing myself but atleast I can say, "I'm Bisexual." That's what started this whole mess. Me struggling to figure out that being not straight is perfectly fine... It's not my fault... I am as normal as a human being can get if you ignore all the other reasons why I push people away.

What hurts the most is that they let it happen. They let me push them away without question. I want you to ask me what's wrong. I want you to atleast make an effort to show me you care because you've been failing horribly at it... Actually, no. I think I understand now. You don't want to be responsible for someone who should have their life together. You don't want to be a reason why somebody hates themselves. You don't want to be close to someone who thinks about death several times a day...

I understand, I do. If I could stop being associated with me, I would too.

So if I stopped answering you because you live  somewhere else or I showed up dead somewhere, my only wish is to love yourself and not blame yourself because there's nothing you can do to change the past.

-Jewel 💎