No matter how much I want my life to be with Colton. It will never that be that again. Sometimes is harder than others to understand why this happened. Because you never sit there and wonder when will your time be done. We were in the middle of our lives. Having our first baby and planning on getting married. I mean how can god give you your soul mate and the one your suppose to spend the rest of your life with and take them away? I wouldn't ever imagine that this is how my life would turn out. I could not find myself after I lost Colton. The day he passed away I broke down lost everything. My world stopped right in front of me. Being nine months pregnant with his baby was scary but then on top of that losing Colton was to much. My family was trying to be there for me but I couldn't handle anyone being close to me. I still live in the house me and Colton bought so we can raise Bella together on our own. I wanted her to have that piece of him with her when she grew up. I was only sixteen when I got pregnant and he was eighteen. A lot of people thought we were to young and that our puppy love wouldn't last but it did and we were happy. Just when I don't have Bella my world is lonely I feel all alone. Because I never moved on from him, I still were my engagement ring on my finger. Because in my head I'm still engaged to Colton. We never broke up and we never did get married but I mean I still love him to this day and I can't wait to marry him one day in heaven. My daughter should know her dad. I always sit there and think he would be a great dad. Our daughter would be so happy and not have a care in this world. I'm just scared I'll never be able to give her all she needs.
I sat on the bed of my room folding clothes when I heard my phone ring. I answered to my mom telling me she was stopping by. After all that happened with Colton she was the one who was pressuring me to move on with my life. And be something and go to school. It seemed like Coltons passing to her was a blessing because she would get her little girl back. I hate to say it because she is my mom but I think Coltons death was a ticket back into my life. I always turned to Colton when it had to deal with my mom. She was in out of my life for the pills. And Colton always said he didn't want her around our daughter alone because she was unstable and so unpredictable. And I totally agreed because she wasn't in my life growing up a lot because of the pills so that left my dad a single dad at that to raise me. I think he did an amazing job raising me on my own and I'm so glad he stepped up to do so. My dad is my biggest supporter. Without him I'm not sure I would have made were I am today. Because with him he was truly my everything. I still talk to my dad everyday and he comes by a lot but his new wife thinks we're way to close. Which I don't see how but I mean whatever she said to him affected him. As I heard the knock on my door I went to answer and my mom was wearing the "In memory of Colton shirt" I rolled my eyes. " what do you need mom?" She sat down on the couch and replied," I was wanting to check on you and Bella."
" were fine mom she is happy and healthy and everything is okay." Sometimes I wouldn't understand why mom does this it is like she wants a rise out of me by wearing that shirt. I mean it has been four years since he has been gone but it still hurts. I mean I just think that what our lives would have been like if he is still hear. " Kayla do you ever think you will take that ring off it has been five years almost? " I turned to her and replied," No never because I'm engaged Im faithful to daughters dad I love him." I understand that it has been awhile since I've ever even tried to be happy. Because I've always had Colton I never thought I would need another. Now that it is that way I'm lost with that. But I'm not ready to say I'm not with him because I am.
As the night went on I couldn't quit thinking about him. It sucks because normally when I do this I had Bella. But her grandma wanted to have her for one more night so they can go to the Rodeo. I mean they never really ask for extra time with her because she is like a girl version of Colton. They way she smiles and her eye twinkles like Colton. Just little things I mean but you can tell without a doubt that id Coltons daughter. Everyone thought I was brave when I had her. Because I was so numb and not wanting to go thru this without him. It was the day I went into the hospital I was screaming his name and yelled," you should have been here." Because I thought he should be. Having his pictures framed and around my room when I gave birth was the best thing looking at him. My heart was so heavy when I heard her take her first breath because he wouldn't hear it. I felt so guiltily that I wasn't there when he passed away he died alone on the ground. I can't shake he was calling for help and I wasn't there to help him. I blame myself for him not being here. Everyone says it wasn't our fault that what happened. But I do think I had some part in because he didn't want to go work. And I told him our daughter needs things and we have bills to pay. So he went and the last thing he said was," I love you Kayla for always." I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep but then I heard a knock on my door. I slid on my robe and went to answer it. It surprised me when I saw Coltons older brother Matt. He looked at me in tears and collapsed in front of me crying. I got on my knees and pulled him in a hug. He wrapped me in a hug and whispered," I went to see him Kayla. He looked so lonely there. Why?!" I rubbed his back and whispered," I don't know Matt I wish i could tell you." Out of all the people who took it hard Matt couldn't take it. He was so heartbroken and he couldn't even really normal. He was so angry and lost. I knew that he wasn't going to be okay. The day of the funeral he didn't show up he couldn't even go to his funeral in all these years he hasn't been to see him until today. I try to not go there at all either because I can't see him like that. Matt looked at me and said," I'm so sorry I didn't mean to come this late I shouldn't have stopped by." I grabbed his hand and replied," come in and talk to me." We sat on the couch talking and it was like I was talking to Colton.
My heart was so happy that I finally had someone to talk to about everything. Matt was there for me and I couldn't believe that I was never there for him. I was getting cold and my he saw my shake he wrapped my arm around my waist. He looked at me and said," I'm so sorry." I'm not sure what came over me but I looked at him and he kissed me. I smiled and let him kiss me. He is the first person I've been since his Colton. He got on top of me and began to kiss me it was like my mind left my body for once. And he carried me to my bed and we had sex. I was crying while he went to the bathroom because he meant nothing to me and it was my first time I've slept with anyone since Colton. I felt so dumb and used. Worst part about this was this was Coltons brother, I cried. After he left I threw on a black pair of Nike sweats and a baggy tee shirt and left. While I was driving I was crying my eyes out and I couldn't even really ddd straight to drive. I pulled of to the cemetery drive and I when I got out I walked to Coltons grave in tears. My body gave out and I collapsed on his grave begging for him to come home I missed him so freaking much. My heart was so heavy I wanted to be home with him and my family. I miss my family so much I couldn't even get the chance to raise my daughter with him. It began to storm really bad and I laid on the grave and cried. Because I'm so hurt I want him home. And I can't believe this is my life and I'm so scared. I'm so scared that I can't make it. If it wasn't for that little girl I have I wouldn't want to be alive without Colton.
