If We Only Had Time {#MyHandmaidsTale}

If We Only Had Time

Someone once said, "War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left". I guess you weren't what was left, because you didn't come back.

Growing up, you were determined, but never the hardest worker. Everything came so easily to that funny little blonde head of yours, like your pigtails were antennas that conducted intelligence rather than electricity.

But then we hit high school, and reality hit us. Even though you were fathoms smarter than I; even though you let me copy off of you every day; even though you were the brainy, spunky one and I was the kind, stupid one; teachers gave you worse grades. I, with my almost pitifully low I.Q., received A's for the work I copied from you. And you? You responded with a challenge, turning in college-level work-- and those bastards gave you B's.

Why? Because we live in a world in which girls cannot possibly be as smart as boys. To be perceived even as an equal, you had to work your damn tail off, and go above and beyond anything that'd ever been done before.

I think that's why you developed this... this hero's complex of yours. You wanted to make sure no other girls had to suffer like you did. So, after high school, you joined the Army.

And that's why I'm here. Standing at the edge of a cold, deep hole with a mahogany box resting at the earthy bottom. Staring at the wood that took the place of your face. The only thing anyone will see of you ever again, outside of pictures.

After years of working your ass off, trying your hardest (which is really damn hard) to work your way up the ranks despite the sexist men blocking your path with every step, they finally sent you to the front as a General. And you took one step out of your jeep onto enemy soil and got blown sky high, along with half a troop.

I always told you, "you don't have to save everyone". But your reply, every damn time, was, "I have to try". And you stuck to your word. You tried and you tried and you tried, in the face of war, in the face of death, in the face of massive oppression. You tried. And they killed you. They killed you after making your life a living hell-- after making you so depressed, your sense of self worth so downtrodden, that you called me in tears and told me you wanted to quit. But I wouldn't let you; that wasn't you speaking, that was them.

I wonder what we would have been, if you came home. If we only had time. If things had run smoothly. I guess I'll never know, now.

But please, if you're listening to me, know this:

I believed in you. Every day, from the first day we met to the very millisecond before your death. I believed in you. And I always will.