Her Book Of Sorrow

Sorrow of Yesterday

I was still in grade school when I heared the voices of my aunties they were talking about something, it was in the middle of the night and they thought I am in my deep slumber. I can still hear what they said, clear as Crystal as it echoes in my ear and it scarred my young heart. "That girl, she is worthless. She is lazy, she does not did the right thing. She is someone you can never give your trust. She is a person whom you will never like" a lot of thoughts stirr through my head as I digest what they said. I can see myself lying in that bed pretending asleep but my eyes are wide awake and it is tearing. The droplet of tear flow to my cheeks as I am feeling the pain of the words they said that stab me from inside.
I graduated elementary keeping the pain in the deepest part of my memory it was not treasured but it was sculpted. I got to hear a lot of compliments, what does I look physically, what kind of person I am. And who I am. I started to grow;at first those compliments became my enery, my vitamins and my medicine. I aged 15 those compliments became a poison for as I grow I lost it all. The warm personality that I carry around me have lost its warmness it was replaced by a winter, a cold emotion that somersault in my inside. A typhoon attack my whole being. I was struck by big lightning and been awakened by thunder, I was soaked in a heavy rain and was crying with a heavy heart. I still carry those title "lazy, worthless kid, who knows nothing" but then that title was also given by my mother and was supported by my father. I smiled bitterly when I started to drift and I have seen my best friend being happy while I am in drowning in loneliness I keep only for myself. At age of 16 I started to drift, closed myself inside a room of darkness. Pretending every morning, convincing that I am happy when the truth I am not. My mind is messing up with me, and I can't cry because I have no tears to cry.
I started to feel alone and lonely. I started to get tired of living this miserable lonely life that I have. Nobody waste there one minute, one second, one hour, one day listening to me. I lost it my capability to bring happiness. I lost my shine. I sob when I see myself in front of the mirror. Asking myself how could they? How could my mother? My father? My family? My friends? How could they smile when I am fixing and faking my own happiness.
I age 17 and this loneliness this depression it is still inside, the demon never die. As I started to feel the jealousy towards my cousin.
My heart sank everytime I hear my Tita's calling me using her name. I pretended it was fine. My eyes waters everytime I hear they're voices how could they? How could she? How could everyone turn me into like this? How could they never understand my pain. How could my mother manage to give me a peircing stare when she haven't seen me. Never understood my whole being. How could they?
And how can I be free from this loneliness that appeared during their happiest moment.
I am afraid of every laughter I have to give cause it will be answered by a never ending pain and drowning. Choking and dying not just once but a hundred times.

What would they feel when they know my melancholy? What would they feel when they will discover that they became my destruction. What would they feel when they will see that they break me. They destroyed me, and I can't ever stand up again. All I have is to stay destroyed, and be step on by everyone and I will never talk cause I'm tired too tired of everything.

December 20,2017.I am thinking again!
I can't shed a tears. I'm exhausted. It is still inside. I can't survive.

September 2018:

  I have developed anxiety and depression. I am not scared anymore. Seems like I can already commit suicide if I want to. It's not that hard anyway.

2019:

I have learned to depend my happiness to someone. I am scared. I might start from page 1.