eccedentesiast // c.h

twenty two

i closed my eyes – do not cry do not cry do not cry – i opened them and looked around, and somehow, the place seemed familiar.

wait, i’ve been here before.

i stood up and look around; and just around the corner, was a cemetery.

-

i pushed open the rusty gate, and it made a creaking sound that echoed all around. taking my snapback off, i slowly tread through the road covered with fallen branches and leaves, carefully trying not to make noise, as if it would wake all the sleeping people around me.

yeah, right. they’re all dead. just like sage.

i bitterly laughed at myself.

walking just a little bit further, i reached her tombstone.

           

allona sage taylor

born: august 21, 1996

died: January 25, 2012

            “it’s a constant battle, between living and leaving”

 

“hey sage.” i breathed out, small puffs of air escaping into the atmosphere. i sat down, brushing off the stray leaves from her tombstone. it has been ten months since i last visited this place.

“it’s been a while,” i started “and even with that, i still don’t understand why.”

i stared at the ground where she lay, wishing that maybe, just maybe, she would come back.

“you know what sucks, sage?” i suddenly speak, tears brimming my eyes. “that you’re not here anymore to make me understand! that, your face isn’t the one i’m waking up next to everyday! it fucking sucks that i don’t get to see you anymore because you’re fucking gone, sage! you’re gone!” i shout angrily, releasing all the anger and sadness that i have kept bottled up for two years.

“and you know what sucks, what fucking hurts the most?” i add softly “that, you’re not around anymore to tell me you loved me back, much less hear it.” i began to sob. this was too much for me, her death – no, her suicide was too much.

lately, my life has only been full of regrets and if only’s.

if only i knew, if only i wasn’t so absorbed about this whole band thing, if only i was there for her everyday, if only i gave her all of my time, if only –

“please don’t cry.” a voice snaps me away from my silent sobs.

i turned around, and i see her.

“sage?” i whispered.

but no, she isn’t my sage. she doesn’t have my sage’s blue-gray eyes nor my sage’s red hair.

“no, i’m not sage.” the girl sadly chuckles and sat beside me on the dirt.

she’s wearing a gray jacket, and i thought that it looked really familiar. my suspicions were confirmed when she put down her hoodie.

i felt my breath hitch in my throat. “i-it’s you.”

it’s her.

it’s the girl.

the girl that seemed to follow me around anywhere.

the girl that fucked my life and led me to remembering sage, to going back here, when i shouldn’t anymore.

“y-you’re the one w-who gave me the boxes.” i gulped. “r-right?”

the girl beside me sighed. “yeah. but it wasn’t really from me.”

“they were from sage, but i’m sure you know that by now.” she said and looked at me. they were the same, bright blue eyes that stared from afar. almost instantly, memories of catching her eye from before flashed in my mind, and it made my head hurt.

“who was sage to you, calum?” she abruptly asked me. “because, sage, to me, was my best friend. do you know why she did it, calum?”

i stared at her.

for days i have been so unsure of all these poems, and i have always wanted to find the sender, but here she is, sitting beside me; and here she is, but i found out that she wasn’t the real sender.

“who are you?” i asked suspiciously. “because you just can’t suddenly enter my life and somehow think that you know everything about me or sage.”

she looked away from me, and tucked her hair into her ear. “did you listen to it? her recordings?” she asked.

i’m getting frustrated about how she kept changing topics and not answering my question, but i tried to keep it low. “i did.”

she sighed and stood up, brushing the leaves and branches that stuck to her jeans.

“come.” she said and held out her hand.

“where?”

“to an adventure.” she vaguely said.

i took her hand, and it creeped me out how they were so unnaturally cold…and white.

“this would be a favour, calum hood. so, you can thank me after this.” she gave me a small smile and walked.

i took this as a sign to follow her, so i did.

the sun had finally peaked, and the morning light bounced off on the leaves, giving the world, a slight green glow.

we were still inside the cemetery, and i’ve just found out that this place is really big – must be a couple of hectares.

“where are we going?” i asked. i was getting tired. the effects of what i had done earlier just dawned on me, and my adrenaline is slipping off.

“we’re almost there.” she was a couple of feet in front of me, so she had to yell.

we walked for a few more minutes, and we finally reached the back gate of the cemetery, which led to a wide road and then proceeded by a dead-end cliff.

she opened the gate, and paused.

“is this it? you told me we’d go in an adventure and you just led me out of the cemetery? that’s the adventure?” i sighed, exasperated. this girl was getting on my nerves.

“no. this is just the beginning.” she smiled and began sprinting off to the road.

“hey! wait!” i yelled.

is this girl crazy? she could be hit by a car! this is a huge road and would take at least five minutes to cross!

i didn’t want to be a witness of a death, so i made a split decision to run after her and take her back.

what i didn’t know, is that i wouldn’t witness a death – i’d be the victim.

it all happened so fast.

one minute i was just crossing the road, the next i felt my head hit the hard pavement.

“SIR? SIR??” i hear someone yell.

just before i lost it, i see her. i see sage. my sage. my blue-eyed, red haired sage.

“are you coming with me, calum?” sage asked.

yes, sage. i'll come with you.