eccedentesiast // c.h

twenty one

“wow. i have a lot of things to say to you. but mostly, all i wanted to say is thanks. thanks for everything.”

but who is this? and what have i ever done to you that you’d be so thankful for?

“i have always loved you. ever since that day in fourth grade where you tripped on my shoelaces because i was too stupid to tie them.”

oh my god.

the voice giggled. “yes, calum hood. this is sage. you know, your girlfriend sage. the girlfriend who is dead by the time you hear this.”

sage.

sage.

my sage.

“well, yeah. i have always loved you from afar. but maybe i just didn’t realize sooner. i think it started in sophomore year, that’s when i started writing the poems.”

the poems were from sage.

how could i not realize?

“you’ve probably read them. well, yeah. it started there. i realized, that, yes, i loved you. i loved my best friend who only talked to me at home because he was too busy with his friends in school. i loved my best friend who took care of me when i was sick, because my mother wasn’t capable enough and too drunk and too high to care for her own daughter. i loved my best friend who tucked me in to sleep, and in the middle of the night, would sneak in beside me. i loved my best friend who wakes me up in the morning with a kiss on the cheek.”

there was a small pause.

“i loved you most when you made me your girlfriend. i felt like i was on cloud nine.”

“……but, those feelings don’t last forever.”

“and it hurts, cal. it fucking hurts. because i can’t seem to mute my demons, a-and..they say really horrible things, calum. really, horrible.”

“…and you know what’s worse?”

“….the demons…they were you.”

i felt like someone had slapped me hard and repeatedly stabbed me in the chest.

me?

how could it be me?

“..because i can’t help but think, that i don’t deserve you. i am not sane, calum. i am crazy. i am demented. and you can’t put up with me for the rest of your life. because i don’t want you to.”

“i am sorry for never telling you this. because you see, i am always sad. and ‘always’ is such a long, long time. it’s like this never ending sea of warm and cold; salty and bland; fear and fear itself. and you know what? i happen to like the sea.”

“i love you calum. but, who will be left of me for you to love back?”

that’s it.