She looked perfect. Always has, always will, now and forever. Her long ashen black hair, her sea green eyes, her big red lips, body to die for - all these features combined created an absolutely smouldering human being. She was perfect. Should a human be able to emit heat, she would surely turn everyone in the immediate vicinity to a pile of ash and dust.
But that wasn't what Thomas Williams - whom I must confess, is me - had fallen in love with. He was drowning in her infinite capacity to be a fantastic human being - when he had a problem, she would always be right there. When he needed to have fun, she was right there. She was funny, she was smart, she was wonderful. Her name was Anastasia Schwarz.
He had known her since they were two children, alone in a big world they'd never seen before. It was pre-school. He was playing by himself, when two other kids pushed him to the ground and his mouth was filled with sand. She'd stuck up for him then - pushed the other kids off him, checked if he was okay, and went to the teachers with him to tell them what had happened. She became his hero.
They became inseparable throughout primary school. Where Anastasia went, Thomas went too. When she was in trouble, he was in trouble. He made sure they went to the same secondary school.
This story took place in college, and it may well be the last one Thomas Williams will ever tell. They were fresh faced 16 year olds, and Thomas was fully aware of what he felt towards Anastasia. She was his anchor, and while he didn't believe she realise it - he was hers too. He loved her, more than even he could comprehend. He had the opportunity to tell her, when she told him she was leaving to another country since her parents had to move for work. He was devastated, and he had nothing to lose, but he held back on it. Back before the boyfriends, back before the illness. He would regret it until the end of his time on Earth.
Thomas and Anastasia would keep in touch through texts. She would tell him about school, she would tell him about her parent's fighting, she would tell him everything. When she mentioned a boy, he knew what it meant. It hurt him. When she would spend nights going to bed earlier than usual, being told 'oops i fell asleep haha' in the morning, it hurt him. He screamed and he would cry himself to sleep. On one such night, he ripped up his favourite picture of them both together - scaling a cliffside, his hand firmly in hers after he had fallen from a ledge, and in that moment he felt like she had just saved his life - and immediately regretted it. He swore, and slumped to the floor, helpless.
But at the same time, he felt happy. Happy that she had found someone at long last, even if it wasn't him. That's what love was, right - wanting the subject of your affections to be happy, no matter the cost?
And then the plague came. It swept from China to Portugal, to the United States and to Australia. The world was at its knees, entire populations infected. There were some who were immune.
Anastasia became ill. Her boyfriend was immune. He could have stayed by her side, but he did not. He ran from her and left her, afraid that the illness could mutate and infect him too. Thomas flew to be with her, using his parent's money - they had died of the infection, but left him with their money.
The two walked through a street, enjoying banter they had not enjoyed face-to-face in years. They shared a cigarette, absolutely carefree and without the fear of their parents catching them - the world was ending, she was dying, and their parents were dead anyway.
"It feels like it's just you and me," Anastasia managed through what sounded like broken lungs. "Thomas Williams and Anastasia Schwarz against the world." She pressed her head up against his arm as they sat on a cliff ledge, clinging to him for warmth.
He brought a cigarette to his mouth, inhaled its fumes, and breathed it back out. "I love you, you know."
She laughed with what little strength she had left. "I love you too." She hugged him tighter. "Why didn't we say this back when I left for this god awful country?"
"I was afraid."
"I wasn't. I just wanted you to be a man for once and take the plunge before me." They laughed for a second, the mood quickly souring. "When you didn't, I didn't think you felt the same. But... I didn't know I did back then. If you said it, I might have realised it. But hey, that's enough what ifs. I'm scared. I don't know what's next. I'm dying. Save me."
Thomas winced. "I can't."
"You can." She snuggled up against his arm. "I'll go to sleep, and this is all just a dream. I'll wake up the morning I left home, I'll run to you and tell you how I feel. You do the same. And if it's not a dream, save me by living, you big immune porridge-brain. Save the world. Go and be God."
"My heart's yours. If yours stops beating, mine does too. I can't live without it."
She sighed. Before long, she was at an eternal rest, her head in his lap. Thomas looked down at the body of Anastasia, and alternate lives flashed before his eyes. They were getting married, they had children, they grew old together, she died before him. Instead, he got this life. The one where she died in intense pain of some disease, not knowing how loved she was until she died. At least he got his wish - that she die before him, not knowing the pain of losing him. Thomas sobbed for days - while he buried her, while he dug his own grave.
And so it's here I sit, in an unfilled pit, a cold steel blade pressed against my throat. Would Anastasia have wanted me to be sat here, doing this? Is the life she asked me to have, without her, worth it? I don't know what to do.
And if you're reading this, I am probably dead. You can probably see my rotting corpse in the pit before you, where you got this story from. If I'm there, fill the pit in. If I'm not, I lived and got away - you'll probably be able to see the knife on the floor if I don't decide to take it with me when I go. Maybe my body got dragged away by predators. There are so many possibilities - just like there was between me and her, between all the ways the past few years could have gone, between all the ways your life can go.
It just takes one little change in events - mustering up the courage to do something - and you could turn your whole world around. I wish I knew that sooner.
