PB and Jay

Chewed Beard

  "I accidentally ate my beard."

  "What?"

  "I acciden-"

  "I heard you. How do you accidentally eat your beard!?"

  "Well you know how some people chew on their nails when they're nervous?"

  He glances down at his bitten fingers nervously, "No..."

  "Ok so same thing but with my beard."

  "That's disgusting."

  "I can't help it. It must have been a habit I picked up on as a kid."

  "You didn't even have a beard back then."

  "Not with my own beard, obviously"

  "This is becoming increasingly disturbing."

  "Oh like you had a perfectly normal childhood."

  "I think you should see a therapist."

  "Oh I can't date Linda. I already checked, apparently it's 'unethical' or something."

  "That's not what I- so you are, in fact, going to a therapist?"

  "You know this, I go every Wednesday." 

  "Ok so when you say 'I'm going out to see Linda' I assumed she was your girlfriend or something."

  "Oh, that explained why you told me to bring her to the barbecue."

  "But that doesn't explain why she came..."

  "She didn't want to seem rude."

  "So she doesn't think the beard thing is weird?"

  "We don't talk about that. We talk about more important things like the negative psychological impact it has to be a woman with a beard."

  "Why would you talk about that? You're not even a woman."

  "I like to wonder about things, ok? Not everything is always about me, you know."