PB and Jay

Fuckfred

  "Jay you're not going to believe this."

  "Oh I don't know, I usually believe most things."

  "I found my mom on tinder." 

  "Oh that."

  "When did she plan on telling me she's divorced?!" He scrolls through his phone, "Or that she's vegan? Who is this woman? Wait...what do you mean by 'oh that'? Did you know about this?"

  "Yeah, we matched."

  "You what?!"

  "Ok um, ouch? I can score ok? I have a pretty sexy stubble growing in and I may be a little heavier but mom says that'll sort itself out when my growth spurt kicks in."

  "You're 23! And also not the point, look you can't be dating my mom!"

  "Why not? We have tons in common."

  "Name one thing."

  "We...both love you."

  "That's not even true!"

  "Yeah, you're right. She's said some things about you."

  "Wait, what?"

  "Yeah you definitely aren't her favorite child."

  "I'm her only child."

  "Yeah but she still likes that Fred Brenner guy more. Apparently he does things that you don't, like, not be a disappointment. Her words, not mine."

  "We don't mention that F-word in this house unless it's to say fuck Fred Brenner." 

  "Oh wait, is that Fuckfred Brenner is the same Fuckfred Brenner from your yearbook?"

  "You've been looking through my yearbook?"

  "Yeah I...lost my bookmark and I was looking for it."

  "Wait you thought his name was actually Fuckfred Brenner?"

  "I thought he was a German exchange student or something. Your handwriting was very similar to the font. Did you take a calligraphy class?"

  "That's just my handwriting."

  "You vandalize too neatly. Hey, wasn't Fuckfred voted most likely to succeed?"

  "...Yes."

  "What were you voted for again?"

  "...Most likely to get married to a computer."

  "Oh, well at least you have a shot at getting married then."

  "So do you, but not with my mom."

  "Give me one good reason not to."

  "Because or else you should have been voted most likely to be savagely murdered by future roommate."

  "No that can't be right because I was voted most likely to get a tattoo on their butt."

  "...Did you?"

  "Yeah."

  "What did you get?"

  "The words 'Most likely to get a tattoo on their butt'." 

  "How did you even match with my mom?" 

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a/n: hey if this dumb crap happens to by your type of dumb crap please vote or comment as it helps motivate me to create more dumb crap in the future ^^