Chapter 14
Karylle
At 5:34 am ay nasa loob na ako ng isang coffee shop. Taking my breakfast, after a long jog I took just a few minutes ago - just like the usual. Um-order ako ng creamed coffee, then after having my order ay agad na akong naghanap ng aking mauupuan, well... I am actually heading sa usual spot ko kapag magc-coffee ako dito. Where in ang seat ko ay located sa may glass na wall ng shop, separating it from the world outside.
I like this seat, kasi nakikita ko ang mga taong naglalakad sa street, and even the weather. And now, kita ko ang pagpatak ng ulan at ang pagsampa nito - showering the glass plane na katabi ko. And the way, it drops down the glass plane.
Just a perfect weather for me to take a sip of a hot coffee... my creamed coffee.
I will take a sip then would stare at the world outside. Just looking how busy the world is na kahit umuulan ay marami parin akong nakikitang mga tao, taking their walk sa street - may mga nakapayong, may ilang nakakapote, may ilang tumatakbo ang placing their bags above their heads dahil wala silang dalang panangga sa ulan.
Blue, white, green, maroon, different colors of shirts ng couples, family, students or an individual passing by. Then behind ng mga naglalakad na mga taong ito, ay ang iba't ibang uri, at kulay ng sasakyan naman passing down the road.
I took another sip at muling tumungin sa labas, then hugged myself under my coat because everything's starting to get cold for me. Then, I just realized na ang swerte ko dahil hindi ako naabutan ng ulan nung nag-jog ako, na minuto palang ang bibilangin ang nakilapas. I hugged myself even tighter for a few second at matapos nun ay kinuha ko yung cellphone ko from the pocket of my coat.
I opened it, at siya na kaagad ang bumungad sa akin.
Automatically, napa-smile ako ng bitterly nang makita ko ang homescreen wallpaper ng aking cellphone.
It was still the same picture. Never been replaced.
Dahan-dahan kong inilapag yung cellphone ko sa table beside my coffee cup, not turning my screen off, not daring to look away from the screen. A few seconds after ay namatay na ito, kasabay naman nun ay napahilamos na ako.
Everything went flashing back around my head, remembering what he said to me that night. And now still wishing I really knew the answer to his question that night, para hindi ko na siya nasaktan.
"Mahal na mahal na mahal kita."
But I couldn't just lie to him. Ayokong mas masaktan siya sa kasinungalingan. Hindi pa ako sigurado.
How I wish I could turn back time.
I felt my eyes getting watery, remembering the way he uttered those words so slow, and his eyes staring my soul. Sa tagal na ng existence ko sa mundong ito, he was the first one to say those words with that kind of stare he is giving me. Na makikita ko sa mata niya ang totoo. Even the way he kissed me, sa tuwing maalala ko ang pagdampi ng labi niya sa labi ko noong gabing iyon, I am always lost in a moment, but was definitely breaking.
I let out a sigh with my eyes deeply closed, as I lean against the couch. More of like, detaining my tears.
Who am I, para saktan ko siya ng ganun? I know I'm not worth it. Kaya feeling ko, ako na ang pinaka-masamang tao, after hurting him... that much. Na kahit na man lang friendship namin, hindi ko man lang nagawang isalba. Kahit na iyon nalang sana, hindi ko pa nagawa.
