Marry Me | NatePat

Chapter Thirteen

"It's been, what? Nine months? Shit, if you weren't the least straight dude I knew I would've thought someone like you would have a kid."

Dinner was relaxing in a way, it felt like just by reconnecting with Sean, Nathan was melding together broken bridges and he was able to speak freely about his troubles with a man he knew to be his best friend. Stress fell from his hunched shoulders, a universe worth of heavy weight being lifted off of his back. There was a Sean-shaped hole in Nathan's heart that had been filled by a seemingly more stable individual. Neither of them were the same from the last time they had spoke, but the two were soon to realize that was for the better.

Conversations about irrationality and emotions changing pace on a whim in the past came up. They passed back and forth a conversation about critiquing their actions in the past while eating breadsticks and baked ziti, the very calm atmosphere matching both of the boys' moods. Of course, it wasn't all easy, smooth sailing without any bumps. There was a near ship wreck as Nathan lost control of his words, trying to say something philosophical only to tear himself down in the same manner he had been doing for all his life.

"I guess I'm just irritated with myself, to say the absolute least. I've been so fucking brash with myself and now that I'm talking calmly, I can't help but think that I'm just going to go back to my old self as soon as I get home. I'm going to tear myself apart as soon as I know I don't have to be put together for anyone. I'm not just fixed, even nine months of doing absolutely nothing but trying and trying and trying so hard to better myself, I'm still the same. It's like I'm trying to make up for all the shitty character development in a poorly written book, like I've been the same ignorant asshole and then all the sudden I'm just perfect! I'm not perfect, I've never been fucking perfect, honestly I think I'm going to go crazy if I don't just let this off my chest because I'm not different at all, I'm just the same psychopath that wants other people to be happy but can't keep myself together-"

"Nate! It's okay, calm down," Sean's hand darted out and snatched Nathan's to keep it from slamming down on the dinner table as he visibly shook with stress. He looked almost miserable, eyes broken as he realized he had completely drawn everyone's attention to their table.

"I'm sorry," he whispered meekly, letting his hand fall limp in Sean's, trying to regain his composure so he didn't just break down or yell.

"It's okay, I know it's hard, and I know you're trying your best. You can't just change in one instant if you've been acting one way all this time, it's okay to take your time. Even if it takes till the day you die, Nate, as morbid and as unnecessary as that sounds, I'll be here waiting until you feel okay with yourself. It's okay to be scared, it's okay to be uneasy with yourself and it's completely fine to hate yourself. However, you can't keep those thoughts with you if you want to be happy, and I want to help you be happy."

There was something soothing about the way Sean called Nathan Nate. No dumb nickname, just something he didn't hear anymore. Matthew was practically the only person he spoke to anymore and there would be a cold day in hell before Matthew called him something other than dumb pet name. He used to call him Nate, but not so much anymore. Still, it was comforting and helped Nath- Nate relax more.

Slipping his hand out of Sean's, Nate picked up his fork again and stabbed into a few noodles from the baked ziti. He took a few beats to breathe and think about what he was going to say, but nothing came out for a while other than a sincere: "thank you, Sean."

"You're absolutely welcome, Nate. What are friends for?"

Good question, Nathan thought, pondering it even to himself before he could give a response to Sean. It was completely rhetorical but still, it pressed an urge to answer and spark a discussion.