Endlessly

Chapter 9

Nothing Last Forever

After Mrs. Miller dropped me off at the hospital I waited almost two hours before a nurse finally allowed me to see Ellie. 231, 232, 233, 234, 'here it is' I thought to myself. I stopped in front of the door I was instructed to. My hand latched on to the cold door knob and I let out a low humorless chuckle. Funny how a door knob bears so much resemblance to my heart - cold and hard. I twisted the knob and walk into the room. In the middle of the room laid a single bed. On top of it laid my sad pathetic excuse for a mother. I made my way over to her bedside slowly.

As the distance lessens so does my control. I was angry with this woman. She was supposed to be my protector. Her sole purpose in life as a mother was to ensure that I was always happy, always safe, always secure. She failed me though. When I was finally at her bedside I took a good look at her face. It was still as I remembered but she looked so much older. There were bags under her eyes and her skin was pale. It no longer held its previous glow. Her long silky strands laid flat on the pillow. I reached out to touch her and noticed a drop of water pouring out of the corner of her eye. It took me a second before I realized that the water is actually a single tear that I shed. There was a gentle knock on the door. It opened to reveal a nurse standing there with a piece of folder paper in her hand. She give me a sympathetic look and hands me paper.

"It was written on the day she overdosed." she stated, as if that is going to automatically make me understand why she's giving me a piece of paper.

I took a seat on the single chair in the room and unfolded the paper. It was a hand written note and it doesn't take me a second to see that it is Ellie's.

'To Marina, my beautiful daughter.

Marina dear, you will never truly understand just how much I love you. I remember when your father and I first found out I was pregnant. The doctor told us that if I go through with the pregnancy I could die giving birth. Your father was adamant but I knew that there was no way I could ever part from you. When you were born, I slipped out of consciousness for a full 38 hours. No one knew if I was going to wake up but it was alright. Even while

unconscious I knew that I had brought the most amazing human being into the world and sacrificing my life for her existence didn't mean much to me. When I finally regained consciousness I

named you Marina. I figured it fit you well because that's what you were to me. You were the harbour where my ships of joy rested. From the moment you were born you were my lifeline.

Watching you grow up was the best years of my life. You were always so bubble and happy and that made me happy. When your father died, I was devastated. The only thing that kept me

going, Marina, was you. The day you left with Aaron I cried to Mrs. Miller for about 3 weeks. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I wanted to come look for you so badly but I wanted you to be happy. And if that meant sacrificing my happiness then that what I did. But it's

become too much for me to handle. Marina, dear, forgive me for all the times I had to punish you as a child; forgive me for the days I wouldn't allow you to go out with friends and had you

studying instead; forgive me for not being strong enough when your father first passed; forgive me for the times that I couldn't help you because I didn't understand what was going on; forgive

me in advance because I won't be there to see you up the aisle or help you pick out your wedding dress, or babysit the young ones when you just need a night alone. I'm sorry, Marina. Please, forgive me'

I re-read the note over and over; out loud, silently and in my mind. I imagined my mother writing this just before she overdosed. I know I promised myself that I wouldn't let her get to me but at the moment keeping that promise became hard. I sat

and cried for an entire hour. My emotions moved so rapidly it was

hard for me to keep track. First from overwhelming sadness, to grieve, to bittersweet joy from knowing just how much she loved me, and then to anger knowing that she didn't love me enough to come look for me.

I noticed a slight twitch from Ellie's hand and immediately shot

up. Slowly, painfully slow, her eyes open. She looked at me, blinked twice and then fixed her gaze back on my face.

"Marina?" she croaked. Her voice is rasped with dryness. If she got up earlier maybe I would've been happy to see her but at that moment all I was filled with was rage. I got her a glass of water and prepared to ask her my question.

"Why?" I asked. "Why would you have thought that I was happy? How couldn't you have noticed? You were supposed to be my mother for Christ's sake and you didn't even know me well

enough to know that I would've never left like that. Actually wrong, you didn't even give me the benefit of the doubt that I would have more decency than to leave like that. You wanna know what happened Ellie?" I continued my rant without letting her get a single word in. "I was abused - physically, mentally and sexually. Every day that son of a bitch Aaron knocked me around

like I was a throw pillow. He used me to get revenge on dad, the man that you claimed you love soo much. Everyday of the last two years of my life has been hell. I've had more dicks up me than most whores have seen in a lifetime! I've had to witness men being killed in cold blood. And where the hell were you Ellie? Sucking down a bottle of pills because you thought you had it

bad?! Do you even understand the shit I've been through? Starvation, rape, abuse and being traumatized! You left me to rot Ellie. That's what you did. You gave up on me. You didn't love me

enough to care and you didn't care enough to love me. You're a liar, Elizabeth Patricia Collins. You're a liar and I hate you!" by the time my rant is over I am physically and emotionally exhausted and Ellie's crying me a river.

"I'm so sorry sweetheart," she cried, "I didn't know,"

"And you didn't care enough to try and find out!" I yelled.

"It's not like that. Marina listen to me-"

"No, I'm done listening." I cut her off. "I'm tired of your crap." I

stated matter-of-factly. I reached over and took hold of her oxygen tube cutting off her breathing. She's starts choking and gagging but that is what I wanted. She needed to suffer like I did.

With the condition she had been in and the way she was struggling it only took a few minutes before the thrashing turns into slight fidgeting.

I had let go of the tube and started shouting for a nurse. It only took a few seconds before one came into the room. When she saw the condition Ellie was in she shouted for more nurses and doctors. One doctor kindly escorted me out of the room and they then tended to Ellie. It was only about ten minutes or so when a doctor walked out. He looked down and me and shook his head ever so slightly. Ellie was dead. In a strange messed up way, I took comfort in this. Instead of showing my joy though, I started

bawling, thrashing, begging ever god known to man that this wasn't true. I didn't actually mean any of it but I didn't have plans to go to prison either so I did what I had to do.

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Xo Brea & Nella.