Deadrose ▹Blackbear

13. Life & Direct Message

       I wait for my mom to come home before I eat. She greets me and hugs me and shows me endless amounts of affection. She always feels I need the most, and although I wish I didn't need it, I do.

My nineteenth birthday was next week and I was hoping I could do something cool. But I doubted it. I had no one to hang out with, I only had myself, my mom and my memes.

Everything just really sucked for the past year.

Once I eat, I go back to my room and shut the door and lay down and watch 'How I Met Your Mother' on my laptop.

I smile when I remember the clothes I brought earlier in the week and I pause the show to try it on and look in the mirror. I want to feel confident, that's all I want. I want to stop pushing people away because I can't accept myself. It sucks. I'm a burden and I know.

I smile in the mirror and turn a bit taking my hair out of its ponytail and then shaking my head. I remember I ate earlier. And I really feel uncomfortable when I start looking in the mirror at my body again yet I close my eyes and count to ten breathe in and out. I look again and I smile a bit forcefully.

I sit back down in bed and close my laptop. I felt very sad today, I had been reminded of the friends I lost over the past two years by the smallest things. But it still mattered, I wanted to tell my mom, but then she would worry again, and it would seem I went to mommy to fix all my problems.

I want to talk to someone, and earlier Daeja told me she had something to attend for work tonight so I couldn't bother her. Daeja was very cool and laid back and a refreshing person to talk to.

I could text Matthew. He had said I should text him, but then again, I didn't really want to know him like that. Not because I didn't like him, but because he seemed like a player. Maybe he talked to a lot girls online then met up with them when he came to there city and they would do the dirty and he leave.

I shrug seeing as I feel lonely, and that wasn't usually good for me lately. I take my phone and text him hi.

-

DIRECT MESSAGES

venus.mcvee
hey matthew

iamblackbear
hey
iamblackbear
whatsup are you okay

venus.mcvee
no
(deleted)
yes 🙂

iamblackbear
good thats really good 😋 Wyd

venus.mcvee
i am trying on clothes man

iamblackbear
you should let me look 😘

venus.mcvee
lmao I think imma make a meme out of
the pants and I don't give away free previews

iamblackbear
fuk u
iamblackbear
we should FaceTime sometime

venus.mcvee
okay I guess that would be cool :)

iamblackbear
How old are you btw?

venus.mcvee
I turn nineteen next week m8y

iamblackbear
oh wow I'm twenty six

venus.mcvee
No harm in having older friends 🤙
venus.mcvee
Wait did you ask because we were going ft
venus.mcvee
Wtf

iamblackbear
No, lmao please don't see it like that.
Dirty minded ass.

venus.mcvee
Idk man you seem like that type of person

iamblackbear
nope bbygirl

venus.mcvee
stop with the bbygirl jesus

iamblackbear
😂😂👌 you secretly like it, I know it