Excerpts from a Girl in Love

It's Kind of Ironic Really

     It's 1am and I'm here with my lights off, staring at the ceiling pretending that it's the sky. I'm looking at the shadows that dance across it, in the way that you look at the stars that dance throughout the night. The lightbulbs attached to the ceiling fan rest twisted into their spots, glowing dimly- residue from their time on in an earlier hour.

     I always find myself up at this time- in fact I can't really remember a time when I wasn't awake at this hour. The reasons vary from night to night: one time it's because I'm too scared to sleep, another it's because I'm constantly worrying about someone, another it's because some cute boy is keeping me up on the phone all night, and another it's because my thoughts are swarming with the name of another said cute boy. At this moment it's because of the latter.

     You've been the thought keeping me awake for a few months now, I must admit. At first it was your swoon-worthy words that kept me awake trying to figure out if you liked me or not, and then it was me replaying the way your lips felt on mine, or the way you quite literally picked me off my feet and held me in your arms.

     But tonight I can't be that lucky.

     Tonight I'm laying here with tear stained cheeks for the first time in ages, being the biggest hypocrite you could ever imagine to my own critical advice- don't let a boy destroy you, he's not worth your tears. And yet here I am. Instead of sleeping I'm here trying to muffle the sound of my cries, trying to wreck my brain to figure out how things went so wrong. I'm here trying to figure out why all of a sudden it feels like you've lost interest in me, and why I'm the one who's continuously falling, and you're the one who's had your fun and now you're over and done.

     If you were anyone else I don't think I'd be this way. If you were any other curly haired cretin I'd just cut you off, and go on with my life- I wouldn't let you hurt me and hold me back. But here's the thing... you're not anyone else.

     You're this tall, blubbering fool who loves to play guitar, is a tad bit obsessed with video games, has no vocal filter, with an overinflated ego and sense of righteousness. You piss me off; you make me want to scream. You frustrate me beyond belief with your sarcasm and snarky comments, but dammit am I catching way too many feelings for you.

     You have me feeling this sort of way that leaves me stumbling over my usually-smooth, witty comebacks, and being that person that pisses me off in the hallway (that one that stops in the middle of everyone to give someone else a hug and then proceeds to not let go, standing there basically acting like a brick wall). You have me feeling this kind of way that has me writing stupid poems and pieces of prose about how I think I might be falling in love with you or the way you make me feel, but I'm really not sure. You have me feeling this kind of way that has me bragging to all my friends about how great you are, because let's be honest here, when I'm like this I don't see any single flaw.

     You have me feeling this way that I haven't in such a long time, and that's terrifying. And that's why I'm letting myself be here crying at 1am about you when I could be sleeping, not worrying about a thing.

     It's kind of a funny thing really, the second I stopped looking for someone to try and fill this empty hole in my heart was the second you came along. I told myself I wouldn't let things between you and I get serious, but whenever my heart can get involved in something and make it messy, it does. But I know that's not what you want, and that's what makes this all so hard.

     You want a girl you can kiss and hold around all your buddies, to show off to them and prove that you can get one.

     That's not me.

     You want a girl that you can flaunt around at school, then as soon as that bell rings at 2:30, ring-ring, bye, I'll catch you after the weekend is over.

     But that's not me.

     You want a girl that's easy, that at the end will have no strings attached; someone you can say goodbye to on the last day before summer, and then not see again.

     But that's just not me, and it sucks because it's 1am and I'm here and I'm truly realizing this all for the first time and everyone's just saying that isn't this what I wanted or to just say goodbye, but I can't dammit! I can't walk away because I don't want you to leave because I don't want to feel empty again because once again I'm the world's biggest hypocrite- don't let a boy be the cause of your happiness, I said.

     I let you become the cause of my happiness, and now that it feels like one of us is about to walk away I feel it all slipping away.

     It's ironic, isn't it? The oneboy who I let in with absolutely no intentions of falling for or gettingattached to, is the one I can't pry myself away from, and the one who'scaptivating my heart.