Just a Girl (girlxgirl) (Book 1)

Honest Conversations

My legs feel wobbly as I step off the elevator onto the floor where Faith's apartment is. Slowly, I make my way down the hall to where I'm going.

Everything's going to be fine, I can do this. I can see Faith and not fall apart completely. I know I can. It's just talking. That's all I'm going to do when I knock on the door and she lets me in. We're gonna talk and I might just be able to figure out what exactly has happened to us. Whether or not there's something worth working on or whether I should just turn around and walk away. That's what I'm here for.

Just because the last time I came here alone after school Faith and I ended up almost making love on her couch doesn't mean it's going to happen again. In fact, I know it's not going to after everything that's happened. But every time I take a step towards her place, I can't help thinking about feeling her body against mine as we made out on her couch. That, and the fact that Faith stopped things from going too far after she found out I was still... a virgin.

Looking back on it, I can't help but be grateful to her for that. She kept me from making a huge mistake that would've made finding out about her deal with Buffy all that much worse. Knowing that I'd given away my purity to her and then finding out that she betrayed me. I can't even imagine how horrible that would've felt since it feels this bad without doing it. There's no way I would be here in this hallway right now if things had happened that way.

They didn't though and I'm so glad it worked out this way. Now I need to know why she really did that. If she did that because she cared about me, or because she didn't want Buffy to hate her for it. Buffy told me that she said that they don't have feelings for each other, but I need to know that she meant it when she said that. And even if she doesn't have feelings for my sister, it doesn't necessarily mean she has feelings for me. Real, true feelings like the kind I have for her. I need to know that she's not going to compare me to my sister when she touches me, or kisses me, or when I can't touch her the way she wants to be touched. That more than anything is what I need to know.

I come to a stop in front of Faith's door and the sight of it has a cold shiver of fear running through me.

Well, I guess this is it. The moment of truth. Any second now I'm going to knock on her door and hope that she lets me in so we can talk. I'm not sure what I'll do if she doesn't let me in. I suppose she could be angry with me for not trusting how I feel about her, but I had every right to wonder. Buffy said she didn't seem angry when they talked before. I guess I'll just have to knock on the door and find out.

Tugging at my clothes a little to straighten them out, I raise my hand to knock. It takes me a second but I finally go ahead and knock on the door and wait for an answer. She doesn't answer right away and I feel kinda nervous about seeing her again. Thirty seconds later she opens the door and stops dead in her tracks at the sight of me.

She doesn't look angry to see me. She looks a little surprised but that's about it. Seeing her now, I have absolutely no idea how I'm feeling.

She's wearing a pair of dark blue jeans and a t-shirt. After about a minute, she says something.

"Hey..."

"Hi..."

A moment of silence passes as we look at each other nervously.

All right, I'll go first.

"Can I come in?"

Faith moves out of the way of the door.

"If you want."

If I want? Of course I want to, that's why I asked.

Going inside, I walk into her apartment until about the middle of her main hall and turn to her. She closes the door behind us and joins me. We stand alone in her apartment together silently for a while.