Bullshit

Chapter 22

In stared at the invitation that sat on the coffee table, surrounded by magazines with their egagment and pregnancy news. It had been two weeks since Louis had come over and gave him the invitation, and since the, I had onlky seen him once or twice, and only for a quick visit from him.

He never stayed long, never got deep into conversation like we used to. He didn't take about stupid things that no-one would care about. No, instead we discussed safe and nuetral subjects. LIke politics, and football games. We wouldn't take about any of the boys unless they came over and we stayed far away from taking about the tour or the band. 

Louis didn't bring up the wedding in any of our conversations, which I was grateful for. But at the same time I wanted to talk about it, I wanted to hear his honest opinion on the wedding and how he was feeling about everything, especially the pregnancy. Was he nervous? Excited? Did he want it come sooner, ot longer? Was he hoping for a girl or a boy? These are all questions I've wanted to ask him, but I can't. We have a silent agreement that we wouldn't talk about those things. We would keep the conversation light and fluffy. 

I still havent' given him an answer yet, I don't know if I can go. How am I suppose to watch the man I love go and get married with some one else. Am I just suppose to stand by and watch as he has a family and grows old with the women that he loves? The worsrt part is, I know that without him I can never be as happy as he is with Eleanor. 

Swiftly I stand up from the couch and shake my head, walking over to the kitchen and grabbing my cup of tea that I had steeping. Despite all the questions flying in my head I know that I'll go to that wedding. I've known ever since he's asked me.

Why? Because I'm a pathetic loser who can't seem to let him go and I have to be there during every important time in his life. I need to be with him and see him happy and free so I can keep those images of him in my head and remember them forever. Remember him as a happy and bubbly boy. I'll get rid of the times when he was sad, or angry and frustrated with me and I'll try to only remember the happy times. Even if the happy times aren't with me or because of me. 

'He's happier without you Harry. All those times with you he was just faking!'  Voices hissed in my head

I shake my head and try to get rid of the thoughts. I can't let them invade my mind again, I wont let them take over. Thats when all the bad things happen, thats when all the pain and regret enters the system. When the voices enter is when I do all the things I wish I hadn't. Just thinking about it made me reach my hand down and stroke my scarred arm. I know that he doesn't love me, that much is obvious. I don't need to be reminded that he could care less weither I'm alive or dead, that he could go on with his life without me. 

But then I think back to the hotel, on the terras. If he wanted me to die then he would have let me fall, Louis wouldn't have cared. Yet as I let go, he caught me. He saved my life and that has to count for something, right? Although, I can't let these thoughts get the best of me. Not again, I wont fill myself with false hopes just to be torn down again with his cruel words or harsh glares. No, I have to be strong, like a rock. Because I know how fragile Louis is, and I understand that if he sees me upset he will feel guilty; he's an amazing person like that. So I can't show emotion, I have to keep a stern face. 

As long as I do that, then I should be able to make it through this wedding, and through the rest of my life whenever he was in it. 

With unstable legs I walked over to the kitchen where my wall telephone was hanging. Usually I would use my phone, but the background photo was Lou and I together when we were happy. Stupid, I know. But I couldn't get rid of it. Ever since Louis and I got the matching background I havent changed it. Even though he had changed to him and Eleanor eons ago. 

Unsteadily I picked up the phone and dialed his cell phone number, clutching the pale blue phone in my hands as if it was the only thing keeping me up right now. I waited for him to pick up, listening to the nerve racking ringing. I counted to four rings before he answered the phone. 

"Hello!" He chirped.

"Hey Loube-, I-I mean Louis. Um, its me Harry." I spoke into the phone.

"Harry, hows it going?" He asked out if pure curtosy I'm sure.

"Uh, its going good. So um I think I'll uh, I'll be able to make it." I ,muttered. 

"Really?! Thats great! Oh, Im so glad that you'll be there Harry! I really dont want you to miss this." He beamed. 

I could practically hear his smile through the phone and it gave me goosbumps on my arms. God how I missed that happy tone of voice of his. Sure, now it was a little deeper when I had first heard it, but it was still as beautiful as ever. 

"Yeah. So I guess I'll see you there. What do you want me to bring?" I questioned quickly, wanting to end the conversation as soon as possible and make it draw out longer at the smae time. 

"No! Don't bring anything. You being there is a gift enough." He cheered. 

The sentence caused a painful tug in my heart, and for a moment, just a moment, I closed my eyes and pretended that he was saying that because he loved me. He was inviting me to our new borns birthday party and I wanted to bring something extra because he put so much work into it. But he wouldn't let me because he loved me to much and didn't want me to go out of my eay for him. A small smile lit up on my face as I imagined the scenario and replayed it over and over again in my head. 

"Harry? You still there?" His voice interupted my thoughts. 

"Oh, yeah yeah. Sorry, just day dreaming." I told him. 

"Thats fine, but I have to go. Eleanor wants me to help with seating arragments so..." He trailed off, as if expecting me to understand, like I had been in the same situation before. 

"Yeah okay. Bye." I muttered. 

"Bye Harry!'' He called before hanging up. 

"I love you." I whispered into the phone, long after he had hung up.

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Okay, so I owe you guys an explination! I had most of the chapter written out a couple of weeks ago, but my computer tottally crashed and I couldn't updat! Blugh! I am so sorry guys! I feel awful and I just want to give you all some candy for being so patient! <333 I love everyone of you so much right now and I hope you can forgive me!! :)