Broken

2:48 A. M.

I've missed you. That's what you sent me ten minutes ago. Three words I'd spent two months preparing myself never to hear again. Well, one of the few phrases that is. Two months with nothing. Suddenly you're back. You want me again, or you say you do. My hands are shaking and I don't know how to respond. My heart aches for you, to tell you I've missed you too, and how it's been hell without you. But my head isn't that naïve. You're coming back because she doesn't want you anymore. I'm just here to fill the space until the next one, I know that.

What do you want. My response was cold. I shouldn't have been that cold. What if you were here for real this time? What if you knew you would never find someone who loved you as much as me? Yeah. I know. Stupid. But once again, my twisted reality gets in the way. I know I'll go back to you. There's no stopping that.

2:56 AM. You, I want you. That's all I've ever wanted. Lies. I know you're lying. You took five minutes to respond. That means you typed and retyped and retyped until finally you had the perfect words to bring me back.  And you almost did. Almost.

2:57 AM. She left you didn't she? I don't know why I said that. I don't know why you said what you did but maybe this was supposed to happen. Maybe.

2:57 AM. Nah baby, I left her. You're the only one for me and I realize that now. My heart catches in my throat. That's not true. I have to tell myself that's not true to keep me from falling back into your familiar arms. I can't fall back into that, as much as I want to. All I've wanted for two months was you and now you're here and, well? I'm not sure.

2:59 AM. Will you stay this time? I send hesitantly. I'm sweating and my blood is pounding through my veins like millions of tiny jackhammers. All I can think about is drinking. I guess that's my problem. I drink too much. I drink when I'm happy and I drink when I'm sad and I drink when I'm bored and I just always drink. That's probably how I survived being with you. With the constant fighting and abuse and not to mention the cheating and always having one foot out the door.

I'm getting ahead of myself again. But I can help it. You're taking too long to respond and I'm craving the one thing that will make this all go away and make me feel something. Something other than misery or pain or fear or excitement.

3:07 AM. Baby, I'll die before I leave you again. Please come back to me. Thats it. You've got me hooked.

3:08 AM. Okay, I'll come back this time. But next time, I won't. That's a lie. Now I'm the liar. This will be the third time in a year and a half that I've gone back to you. I went back when I found out about her. I went back when you cornered me and screamed at me until I was nothing but lying on the floor in a puddle of my own tears. I went back after you forced me into things I didn't want to do. Why? Good question. I guess it's because I know nobody else will love me. I'm a sad excuse for a human.