Deep-Rest-Shun

I.

I have always lived without any care in the world. I laughed when I wanted to laugh. I drank alcohol when I feel like getting drunk, and I smoke cigarettes when I feel like I need smoke in my lungs. I also flirt with a girl that I deemed pretty when I feel like flirting, and I shout at my mom when I feel like I needed to shout. I'm a piece of shit eh? I get that a lot.
I wasn't always like that though. I grew up within a broken family, and at a young age of five, when Mom decided to leave Dad, I was always forced to act 10 years older than I should be. Maybe that's an exaggeration, but still. I never enjoyed my childhood. Under the strict care of my mother, a painting of a perfectly intelligent and well mannered child was smeared upon my identification.
That was bound to change during my last year in Junior Highschool though. I don't know what exactly happened but something must have snapped inside of me. My composure went haywire and my ability to make sensible decisions suddenly malfunctioned. I told myself that I have to enjoy at least this one year, right? Am I not allowed to have fun? Should I always be cooped up like a bird under my mom's wishes and constraints?

I rebelled.

Well, there goes my perfect image. I managed to have a girlfriend, who gave me the first kiss ever, which followed with more kisses. I smoked, and drank alcohol for the first time. I almost had sex. Just almost. I learned how to say obnoxious words and speak in an unrefined way. I learned how to drive a motorcycle without any helmet at the speed of 150 kmph. I also learned about pornography sites.
I stayed outside very late and sometimes, I no longer bother to go home. All those happened within three months.
It clearly affected my academic performance since I got ranked 3rd, slipping from the top spot in just 12 weeks. But, I didn't care, to be honest.

My mom and I quarreled all the time. We exchanged shouts while she goes on blaming my friends for the influence that they have given me. I told her no one's influence spurred my sudden change. I told her that for once I made a choice for myself. Immaturity at the highest calibre e?

Mom decided to give up on me and focused on her work instead, scornfully telling me that she won't devote all her time and attention to me because she still has another offspring --- my sister.

The most significant month of my life came soon. December.

The day before Christmas was perfectly normal. Mom wasn't home. My sister was reading silently, paying me no heed, all day. And I was just busy making plans for the the day, when suddenly a phone call came. Words came out of my phone, words that I never wanted to hear, nor believe. I spaced out and ended up saying. "I was so selfish"

Selfish Me

You never crossed my mind,
Yet what is this pain I find?
Within me it resides,
With your passing it collides.
Alas what sorrow has invaded me,
Oh, why can't this world let me be.
But, I am selfish I claim,
And so there is no one but I to blame.