I...I Know You Hate Me

Chapter 4

Have you ever woken up from the feeling of falling? You jolt awake and it scares the living shit out of you. Yeah.... that's what I woke up to. After I sat up and processed that I was actually not falling and safe in my bed, I rested my head in my palms, my elbows supported by my knees. It hadn't even been 24 hours and I was already falling apart. And the worst part about everything? ....I knew it would only get worse.

How the hell am I supposed to deal with the stress of people at school today?

I mustered up all of my strength to get out of my bed. Instantly my back, feet, and neck were met with pain. I winced as I fell forward onto my floor due to the momentum of getting up. Landing on my palms and knees, I rolled over onto my back to try and wake up a little bit. It didn't work.

Still tired as shit, I somehow forced myself up, out of my room, and into the shower. While washing myself off, I thought about all of the previous day's events. How it started so well, then ended... not well. Fucking... terrible. I ended my shower before other thoughts started to invade my mind and I grabbed a random outfit from my floor, grabbed my bag, and left my lonely apartment to go to hell. 

Halfway through my playlist, I'm Not Okay (I promise) by My Chemical Romance began to play and I cringed at how corny the situation was. 

Here I am, walking down the street, by myself, in all black, listening to My Chemical Romance on repeat... fuck me.

Ignoring my thoughts, I let my music play. I walked into the school and sat at my regular spot. Instead of reading, or sketching, or doing anything remotely productive, I sat with my head down on the table just trying to calm myself from the shit storm life just threw at me. 

I'm so fucking tired. I can't physically handle anymore stress right now, yet I'm sitting in the building that literally causes the most stress in my life. Everything just hurts really bad. 

My chest tightened and I swallowed hard trying to push everything down so I could make it through the day without emotionally collapsing. I sat there for what felt like hours but when I looked at my phone, 5 minutes had only past. I began to sketch in my notebook but quickly ran out of things to draw. My anxiety grew with each teenager that entered the building because I knew that today would be filled with gossip and rumors about what actually happened the previous day. 

Soon the cafeteria was filled with teens swarming around their friends. However, a lot of attention was focused toward me. All of the side glances and whispering made me shift in my seat. Before I became too overwhelmed by the situation, I packed up my stuff and walked towards my first class. 

Upon arriving at my classroom, there was a group of girls sitting at one of their tables. Thank god it wasn't mine. I don't think I could handle that much social interaction. As I walked in the room, the conversation seemed to freeze as they stared at me with pity. I kept my headphones on and ignored them. I had a feeling I would be getting a lot of that today. English went by without too much trouble, although when we talked about struggles in our lives, everybody looked at me like they were expecting me to pour my heart out to them about my "family emergency". 

I'd rather chew glass than to share my personal life with complete strangers.

We finished our discussion and the bell rang which reminded me that this was about to be the hardest class of the day. German. The class in which everybody saw me cry due to a family emergency and randomly leave. The class in which the rumors probably started. I switched my headphones out for my earbuds so I could listen to my music during class. I made my way through the halls toward room 146. I didn't even realize how slow I was moving until I heard the bell ring before I got to the room (which never happens by the way). I quickly walked into Frau Pope's room and all eyes were on me.