(Late due to procastination.)
Kevin needs to talk? First he runs away then he needs to confront me?
"Where is he?" I asked Manny, who gestured over to the stage where we would be playing within a few hours.
I left Manny and walked to the stage where I saw Kevin. He was standing there with his head down, looking at his feet.
"Kevin? Manny said you wanted to talk." I approached him.
His head shot up, and he was griping at the hem of his shirt.
"Yeah, um.. Okay, let me talk and don't say a word until I'm done. It's important that you listen." I nodded and he continued. "This is really hard to say, but when I said I didn't think I liked you that way, I didn't. I mean, you're a great guy and a great friend. I was just using you, I'm sorry. I didn't know you felt so strongly about me. I should have told you earlier that you were just a toy in my sick life. I'm sorry for using you. You deserve better. I know this will be awkward, but we promised Manny that we'd stay in the band no matter if we broke up or not. I understand if you hate me, because what I was doing to you makes me hate myself, too."
He can't be serious.
I couldn't move. I couldn't talk. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I felt the world move under my feet, dropping me in a giant, dark abiss.
"Kevin, you must be joking with me right?" My voice was weary.
"I wish I was joking, but I'm not. Again, Alix, I'm sorry. I just don't feel how you do."
I put on a fake, small smile to pretend that I wasn't hurting, and I said the only thing I could manage, "Okay."
I managed to move my weak, jello-like legs, and turn around. I don't know where I was planning on going, but I couldn't bare to look at Kevin. I just started to walk and walk, but I stumbled on my own dead weight, and I dropped to my knees.
The words Kevin said seemed to go right over my head, because I guess I just got the whole weight and pain banging down on me right now. My chest went heavy and I fell down onto my elbows. Heavy, unsteady breathing made me gasp for air that just wouldn't seem to come into me. Tears begin to pour down my face and I feel empty. Completely empty. Hollow.
This boy, who I've been crazy over for who know's how long, used me. I thought he cared. I thought he really liked me. I see it now though. The way he rejected me when I told him, then right after that night we met up with me in the bathroom. All the physical touching and relations. I don't think that we did any really coupley besides sex. That really hurts me. I was so stupid to not see this. I guess I was so high on feelings and happiness that I was so completely oblivious to my surroundings.
I still really fucking like you, Kevin. A lot. I was starting to think that it was love, but I can't call it that. Not after this.
I stopped crying momentarily for a few deep breaths of air to try to control my breathing. The tears soon came back.
I know we promised Manny and Evan that we'd stay together as a band no matter what happened between us, and I'll try to keep that promise, but it will not be easy. I won't be able to look at you. I won't be able to talk to you. I won't be able to think of you. All I have to do is stand relatively close to you on stage as we preform. I'm not happy with this, but I'm doing it to keep our Ghosts happy.
I rested my forehead on the ground, trying to not rock back and forth. My whole body shook with quiet sobs. My eyes were no longer producing tears so it was a dry, empty type of pain that I was experiencing. Nothing to try to calm myself, but the hicking of my tearless moans of heart break.
A few minutes have passed of me just staring blankly at the ground, not crying or talking. I just felt an internal sadness, which I was oh-so-familiar with in my teen years, well until I had met Kevin in high school that is. I stood up and took a few deep breaths before making my way to the stage for rehersals.
My eyes quickly glanced over the stage and they locked onto Kevin. As much as my heart was saying to go and hug him, it also wanted me to run away as far as I could. I didn't listen to either of the things I wanted to desperately do. I stood where I was for a less than a minute, maybe about twenty seconds, looking away from Kevin, blinking a few more times than necessary, trying to keep the tears from coming back. I walked over to where my guitar was hanging on a stand.
"Okay, guys so let's start from Game Freak?" Kevin said to us.
Manny and Evan agreed and I said nothing as I prepared to play.
Practice went fairly normally, a lot easier then I thought getting through it would be. Although, I couldn't help but find myself glancing over at Kevin, who looked beautiful as ever when he sang. As soon as practice was over we all went back stage to get touch ups as fans swarmed into room where we're having our gig.
I swallowed a lump in my throat and hoped that I wouldn't fuck up or start remembering todays incident on stage.
We took a step out onto the stage and got to where we were supposed to stand. The crowd screamed with excitement and joy.
Maybe this can help me forget my worries for now.
