I open my eyes slightly, blind from the light. I hear beeping, like on a heart monitor. I swear i'm dead, aren't i? I'm suppose to be, i'm not suppose to be here. I need to get out, but of course no one is going to let me do that, they don't just let patients out that quick. I wish they would, so i wouldn't have to face my family. The last thing i remember is the most infuriating pain, then the sound of someone's voice. Everything went black since then, until now.
My eyes suddenly flutter open, they feel fatigued with tiredness. I feel like i've been crying for hours, my head spinning. I look to my right and there's a person, she kinda looks like a nurse but she's not in uniform. "Who are you?" I ask, barely able to speak i just about breathe the words out. She's a stranger, i don't like talking to strangers very much, although i do like to talk to them about my problems sometimes. They don't know who i am or what my situation is, they can't judge me so well. But yet strangers can crush your world so easily, by just a few words.
"I'm a counsellor, from the mental health care centre," She says so clearly and so beautifully, i wish i could talk like her.
"That's a fancier way of saying a mental institution, i'm not crazy, i don't belong there," I laugh, it's not that funny but she laughs too, probably just to please me. These people, they have to be careful, they'll laugh at every joke you make just so you don't go over the edge, they'll tell you things you want to hear just so you don't give up. I know this, she ain't fooling anyone.
"Maybe, but it can help you. Knowing other people that might be in the same situation as you, can be very reassuring. You'll get one on one sessions with a counsellor, free meals, you will obviously get someone check on you once in a while though. It's not as bad as it seems," She laughs more than she should, that puts me on edge.
"I don't need people breathing down my neck every five seconds," I say bitterly, i should probably feel guilt for saying it in that way but i don't, not anymore. She's not taking me anywhere, my mam won't allow it, my family won't allow it, i'm sure of it. Unless she's brainwashed everyone i've ever known into this.
"It's for the best. You will get time alone, if that's what you want. Your mum and your sister both think-"
"My mam and sister are here, where? I can't let them see me like this," I panic, i don't need to panic really. They've seen me in hospital loads of times, not for exactly this, but for similar reasons. She senses the panic in my voice, and she of course tries to reassure me.
"I won't let them see you if you don't want, but you know how parents are, she'll want to see you," She smiles so sweetly, it makes me sick of how nice she is. I can imagine her in school, a teachers pet. Always handing her homework in a day early to the best standard, her workbook looking neat and tidy, maybe even colour coordinated. I hate people like that, i don't know why, they just are too nice. They're that kind of nice that annoys you everyday, but you don't even know why, they just do.
I stay silent, i don't want to talk to her anymore. Instead i just think of what Jackson said, he said he felt disgusted in me that i'd do that, even though i didn't do it. He didn't believe me one bit. He'd rather believe some snotty, annoying, pain in the backside popular than me. Anyone should know that it's one thing that the populars absolutely love doing more than anything in the world, is spreading roomers. They know it destroys people's lives so they do it, what even more sickening is that they do it for fun. They don't even just do it to their enemies, they do it to everyone, which is baffling.
"What were you thinking?" The too nice woman cuts off my train of thought. I was having a nice rant about the populars at school, until this too nice, too convincing, too perfect know it all cut me off.
"Huh?" I just ask like i haven't a clue what she's on about. To be honest, i don't know what she's talking about, the question kind of caught me off guard a bit.
"What were your thoughts before you, decided to cut," I can tell she has no idea how to say it, i wish she would just say before i tried to kill myself. Because that's what i did, kill myself, nearly. I guess she doesn't want to 'trigger' me again, they have to be this careful with what they say.
I think long and hard, i decide to just tell her what she wants to hear, because she's clearly not going away until i do. "I was depressed, i wanted it all to stop," i say, this isn't actually a lie, i'm just not saying everything.
"You want what to stop?" She asks again, she wants all the details. Probably before she deports me to a mental institution, which is probably going to happen seeing my luck.
"Everything," I don't want to tell her everything, but she's forcing it. She just nods and walks out. She doesn't say anything else, she doesn't even tell me what she's going to do. All i know, is i don't want my mam and sister to see me like this. I've always been the strong one, even when my dad died, my sister was a wreck, my mam didn't go out for days. A few weeks after that my sister turned to alcohol, for comfort i guess. She would do anything just for a little sip, my mam couldn't deal with her. I had to be there when she came back at 2 in the morning to hold her hair back when she was throwing up. So no, i haven't had the best couple of years. But who cares about that anyway.
