Hear Me Out

2: Move On

We sat at the back of the bus, where four seats face each other. As we passed by a bus stop, Taylor randomly tapped my shoulder and pointed at it, "Look, they're using sign language."

I didn't say anything as my mind was wondering what my ex is doing and if she ever loved me genuinely. Damn, I'm so delirious and ignorant. How can I be so oblivious of the signs and giving them reasons that it was okay - that maybe it was just a phase for her.

"Ella, can I borrow your phone?" I asked.

"Why do you need it?"

"I'm just going to look at something real quick," I promised.

I merely spent two minutes on her phone and gave it back to her immediately.

"You watched her stories," she said in disappointment.

"I was just curious," I reasoned out. "Can you press the stop for me too."

As I stood up and waited for the my stop, she asked, "how are you doing?"

I smiled, "better actually, to think that it was three years."

Right after the bus halted, I gestured the habit that I inherited from my ex, the see you or good bye sign — you use your index with the middle finger and flip it out, palm facing you. I never really get to know which one is it since she probably got it from an anime show and wouldn't know either.

I got home and the self loathing began to travel in my mind again. I opened my Facebook account and went to the page for open letters where I shared most of my thoughts. I was contented enough for the day to feel that I'm somewhat worth it as I gathered more than 2k shares with my post. I took a snap of it and hopefully she would see that I could be successful without her.

I wanted to do more in life so I got back to my Wattpad and rebranded myself. I thought that I should stop using other peoples names and have pride for who I am. But who am I right now anyways? I couldn't say, "I'm Ashirah and I'm turning nineteen soon. I'm a trying hard writer and an invisible human being in real life. There is nothing much about me except how complicated and needy I am but I have learned to never show those ever again. This is why I'm tempted to block my ex in all my social accounts because I don't need her anymore. It's not a bitter move, I mostly call it self healing."

Suddenly my door opened. My stepmom looked at me and asked, "what are you doing?"

"Editing some stuff. Why?"

"When are you going to the volunteer event? Is Mich going to drive you?" She said suspiciously like she's waiting for me to spill it.

"She's busy right now. Summer school."

"Oh." She paused and started interrogating me, "how is she? I thought you two were going to work on your resumes."

"Who knows," I wish she could just take the hint.

She did - she took the hint and left my room. I opened a new word document and started typing out my name and infos. I needed to get a job. I want to show Mich that I can live without her. I'm going to prove her that I can be independent even if I have to fake my confidence. Soon enough I will have more worth than her, that one day she would look at me in the eyes and tell me how sorry she is for making me feel unappreciated and less than important.

I took out the paper from the printer and looked at my resume in awe. I can't believe that even if I didn't join any extracurricular activities, I could still pull this off with my unappreciated achievements. I smiled at the thought that I have this motivation and this will power to finally focus on myself. Then I had a thought, at the end of the day, I couldn't have this boldness if she didn't leave me.

Irregardless of how I resented the thought that there are people who are born to love more and there are the ones who are meant to love less; I think I can still defy of what is expected from me. I know that no matter how I twist this, I was the one who can't go a day without her - magnetized of some sort and no matter how far off better I am without her, it was not just practical for my mind to have an acceptable reason why I should leave despite all the hurt and languishing. But what I got from this is that life is always about learning and adapting. Maybe this was a test if I am strong enough to walk away and love myself the way I love her. I don't know if she cares or not but I'm going to change, to the point where she won't recognize me anymore.

I pressed the power button on my laptop and then "2". I pulled out a sticky note on my drawer and wrote, "change password." Why did I even listen to her, why do I keep perceiving that everything she recommends are great ideas. I opened a new tab and went to indeed.

"I can do this," I whispered.

Someday, it wouldn't hurt this much. Someday I won't have to validate myself for people to take me seriously. Someday she would want the world that I have given her back.