❝Bathroom Talks❞ m.yg x p.jm [eng trans]

28

Unanswered like a drowning man's shouts my unambiguous beg flew through the room that couldn't be any more intimate despite it's eternal public.
But even after some minutes the silence, that could rise in such a situation filled with harmony only between us, was more marked by clear rejection of my beg than any words were able to express it.
Not able to hide the not closeable wound of rejection in my view, I turned around.
But the expected, human statue of porcelain didn't seem to have anything in common with the for me overly known person, however marked by strange, I looked at now. Because Suga's previously nearly transparent seeming paleness had now given way to a nearly shining paleness defying the sunlight hidden by clouds, which seemed to have left traces of an angel's face in its expression.
But it was his eyes that owned the majority of my attention.
Just like the words of the text written on the wall had finally removed from the almost inexplicable locking, the fogs in his view have yielded and left a nearly piercing clearness.
It was as if he had put down the chains that had been tied to his soul and his words all the time.
But the meaning of this change made me feel related to those chains.
Hence, my happiness about his clearly visible, new gotten freedom didn't come up and got replaced by my egoism caused by desperation instead. However, this couldn't come to the outerworld through words.
Placed in my tears it was flowing soundlessly, without any whiff of resistance, over the short way my cheek offered and found its relief on one of the blank, white flagstone.
Through my eyes blinded by tears I could just recognize his asking glimpse that was incompatible to the previously retained image of the statue.
But now my egoism sapping my consciousness was giving way to a bitter tasting sadness its taste I feared to taste on my tounge forever.
"I just wanted to say that...that...I won't ever forget about you when you're gone."
The brokenness in my voice had went up to my pride and had damaged it not slightly, when I was thinking about my inappropriate and unimportant chosen words.
I wouldn't ever get a second chance, because my words had already reached his ears.
While I was still regretting the missed chance that would've let my feelings dammed up in my heart's innerst see the angelic face of its subject, it was Suga who went one step towards me for the first time since our meeting, and took the trust connected to it. I wasn't sure if it was caused by the already so harshly discovered truth of his deceased soul and the associated fact of his immaterialness or more by the finality of our surely last moment together.
But the unfamiliar and still awakening a such incredibly utopian feeling inside of me closeness to him was worth it to ignore the unfounded determination by him.
Rather I let the garden, that grew in my heart, of the most beautiful emotions, their undescribable beauty weren't even surpassable by a flower's get lightened by his eyes filled with pure light.
But nothing was able to surpass the words that were now carrying my heart into heaven like on freedom's wings.
"The unsaid words you're still carrying with you, I'd never wasted much thought of sliding them over my lips.
And still I want them to stay in your memory forever.

I love you."

A rejoinder of my part wouldn't have been redundant, but impossible, since the tears had clutched the key to the words and made me despair by my own dumbness.
Minutes passed and I let them pass by, appreciating every single one and shouting at the undeniable progress of time.
Until I was sure of being able to accept the now coming separating of our ways. Along with the last tear also the last drop of my inexhaustible hope of a positive turning point fell on the ground.
Also he seemed to feel the crucial moment coming, when he went a further step towards me with a feather's ease, so only a few centimeters separated me from the most valuable human unicum whose company I had been blessed with."I've never thought of the possibility of letting someone directly come into my core through my texts, someone understanding every word without any complications and accepting them  like a part of himself.
But you have accomplished which I had doubted the whole time.
You have freed me. No words I've ever owned could express my gratitude. And still I have found something I want to give you, so you know that I have never left.
Close your eyes and promise you'll protect it like your own life."
Eagerly I nodded and closed my lids trembling of excitement, while I formed my hands to a bowl, expecting to get something material.
But what my hands missed of tactile material, got now perpetuated on my lips.
With lips more soft than a blossom's surface, its touch colder than ice and still meeker than a whiff, I gave myself unresisting to his lips' artwork, that made my whole body blossom and could see even through my closed eyes the rising brightness similar to a sunrise, before he finished his work, that was hardly more than the bare touch if two lips. Desiring I opened my eyes just for seeing him dissolving with the bright light.
But it wasn't his dissolving causing the tears coming into my eyes again.

It was the first and single smile on his face which I was now constituting to the new sun of my faded sky.

~~~~~~~~
only the epilogue left
~~~~~~~~