Short stories

Numbing 21 Years

As I watch the smoke dance in the air I can't help but wonder,
Wonder what life is supposed to be.
Today is my twenty-first birthday.
Twenty-one years of life under my belt and yet it doesn't feel like it.

I feel stuck like all I'll ever know is this numb feeling sinking in my skin and bones,

Questions forever swirling in my mind:

What is the meaning of my life?
Will I ever come to know?
Will I ever come to a place of content even if I never find a meaning?
Will I know life if I stare at death in its eyes and have it stare back at me or will I be more lost?
I don't know and I don't know and the record scratches and numbness fill my lungs and my soul and I'm lost.

Sinking in the deep sea of my psyche and looking at the darkness of my soul I can't help but wonder,
What will become of me?
As I stare at the sunset, the smoke from the candle of the lone cupcake disappearing into the cool sky and as my phone rings,
I wonder if the answers lie in the path that you helped guide me to.

Maybe I can find my answers with help.
Maybe I can find a way to alleviate the numbness.
Maybe I can find meaning or reason to why I live.
But "maybe" just mean "possibilities", and that's all this is,
Nothing concrete in my future and nothing to get from my past.
Nothing gained, nothing to get, nothing yet to be.

As I let the phone call ring on and the candle melt away,
I wonder what do I know.
As the sound of footsteps echo across the concrete,
I wonder if those "maybe"s could turn to reality.
As I watch the people who care and who believe,
I wonder if I truly will be able to one day know that reality.

What I do know is that I'm ok,
And maybe,
that's alright for now.