Stay With Me

22 - Lost Count At Seventeen

Chapter Twenty-two

Leo's POV

- So what are we going to do about this? Do we tell her?

- No. She doesn’t need to know.

- We have to tell her!

- If you were her would you want to know?

The truth is I wouldn’t. The truth is I would rather live a lie than to tell her what I did. I thought I wanted to kiss him. I thought I had feelings for him. But the truth is that all I really wanted to do was to hurt her.

She disappeared for three days without speaking a word. She left our mother and me alone in that depressing hospital. I was mad. I was hurt. She left us. I guess I thought she was being selfish. I guess I thought the only thing she really thought about was herself. I was wrong. I was the one being selfish. I was the one thinking of myself only. I guess what they say is true. Two wrongs don’t make a right. I shouldn’t have kissed him. He is one of the most important people in her life. I took him away from her. She deserves the truth.

- If I were her I would want the truth. – I finally answer him.

- Right… because your mother being diagnosed with cancer isn’t enough for her to process… - he comments. I look at him surprised. I wouldn’t expect Josh to be dishonest like this… Oh yeah… He cheated.

- She would want to know. – I insist. He rolls his eyes in annoyance and looks at me directly in the eyes.

- Look, I know you are trying to do the right thing but the truth is there is no right thing here. You tell her, she breaks it is that simple. I have been in love with your sister for the past four years of my life. She, as we both know, is not as tough as she plays herself to be. She cracks just like any other human being. Your mother is dying, Leo. Right now, she doesn’t need the truth. She needs her brother with her. She needs support and love and what we did here… - he sighs – what we have been doing here is not what she needs to know right now.

- If you have been in love with her for the past four years, how could you cheat on her? – I ask. Deep down I know he is wrong and that she should know the truth but I don’t want to hurt her. No more than I already did…

- You drove here. You knocked on my door. You came in and you kissed me. And you’re her brother! I might have cheated but you did something far worse. You hurt her on purpose. You are supposed to protect her. You are supposed to be there for her when she needs you. – His voice continues in monotone as he points out nothing but facts. There is no way around this story. I am the bad guy. I fucked up. Now she will never trust me again.

- How are you so calm? – I ask. He lights up a cigarette and breathes it in slowly.

- There are many things you don’t know about me. I adore your sister but you and I both know that she could never be enough for anybody. – He states. He continues to smoke as I continue sit still on his couch. My eyes cannot believe themselves. Suddenly he seemed like a completely different person. He was not sweet romantic Josh anymore. That guy isn’t here anymore and I am not sure he ever was.

- What do you mean? – He looks at me with a straight face. His eyes seemed to have darkened as if they hoped I figured out what he meant to say. My heartbeat fastens as it all hits me. – For how long?

- About three years ago. One year in and she still didn’t trust me. It was frustrating.

- How many?

- I lost count at seventeen. – I stand up from the couch for I could not stand to be in that room with him any longer. Mostly because I had realized that I am just like him now. Just a lying cheating fucking bastard… I notice he gets up with me but I don’t turn around. I can’t face him right now.

- Will you tell her? – I remain in complete silence – Of course not… You couldn’t stand the guilt. You know, you pretend that you are this great guy with a lot of good intentions but I know just who you are… You are just a lonely coward who was dumped by his ex-boyfriend who doesn’t know how to face the fact that he is anything but extraordinary! You think you have talent, you think you are selfless, you think you are good… but you are nothing but small insignificant waist of human life who has no idea what the fuck he is doing with his life. You know, you are so lucky your sister is as dumb as a trashcan tha… - I turn around and I punch him. His half smoked cigarette falls to ground as he painfully raises his hand to his left eye. I wish I could resist it but I punch him again.

- NOBODY CALLS MY SISTER DUMB! IF I SEE YOU ANYWHERE NEAR HER YOU ARE A DEAD, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

- I love your sister. And she loves me. – He claims. I punch him again. – I love her! – I punch him again and again.

- IF YOU LOVED HER, WHY DID YOU CHEATED?!

- IF I DIDN’T LOVE HER, WHY DIDN’T I EVER LEAVE HER?! DON’T YOU SEE THAT I CAN’T LEAVE HER NO MATTER WHAT?! CANT YOU SEE THAT I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HER?! CANT YOU SEE – I punch him again and this time it is him who falls on the ground, bleeding from multiple spots on his face.

- You don’t love her. You don’t know what love is.

As I prepare to leave the house I hear my phone ringing. I look down at it and see that it is Charlie. I can’t talk to her right now… I need some time to think. I need some time on my own. I turn off my phone.