Joshler Moments

Wouldn't It Be Nice

"Wouldn't it be nice to live together in the kind of world where we belong?" Tyler sings to Josh, who's fast asleep with his head on his lap. He runs his fingers through Josh's bright yellow hair, and watches his chest rise and fall rhythmically. Josh always gets tired after they finish their shows and they've showered and changed into something comfortable. Normally Josh is the guy that would be alert and talking until 3:00 in the morning, but after shows Josh can barely make it to a bed before falling asleep wherever is closest. In this case, Tyler was sitting on the hotel bed to the left, closest to the bathroom, and Josh stumbled out in just his plaid pyjama pants, still not fully dry from his shower because Josh never dries off fully, and Josh must've concluded that his bed was too far away, or for that matter, the pillows on Tyler's bed because he collapsed, sprawled on the bottom of the bed with his head on Tyler's lap and fell asleep within barely a minute. Tyler's been awake since then for a few hours, thinking. He usually does, but tonight he's sure he won't fall asleep at all, there's too many important things to think about. Like Joshua William Dun. 

"You know it's gonna make it that much better when we can say goodnight and stay together."

He doesn't even know why he's singing to Josh the silence of their hotel room, streetlights shining through the crack in the curtains, the hum of air conditioning or something the only sound audible aside from his voice and Josh's breathing. Is this supposed to make anything better? I don't know. I don't know, but it feels right. He thinks to himself.

"Josh, I know you can't hear me, but there's some things I gotta say, and you know why I can't say them to you when you can hear me. We both know why. I know I say I love you, and you say it too, but you don't know what that means. You don't know what you mean to me Josh. There's a thousand things I wish I could say to you. Hell, there's a thousand things I wish I could do to you." He laughs into the black of the room. "I know you like to tease me about having a dirty mind, but you don't even know what I think about half the time. But I mean.... That sounds bad. I don't... I don't want to use you, Josh, I hope you know that. I want to be with you, I want be able to hold your hand in public, and kiss you, and I want to be able to spend all of my time just listening to you ramble on about whatever you'd want to talk about. I want to know you Josh, like I've not known you yet. I know our fans like to think we make out all the time and stuff, hell, I like to think we make out all the time, but we only kissed once. I'll never forget that. I didn't know what we were doing, and I don't think you did either. We didn't talk about it for obvious reasons I guess. I know what our families think. I know what kind of world we live in. I know the odds are hilariously against us, and that's why there's Jenna, and that's why the only time I can tell you how I feel is with you asleep on my lap in a dark hotel room at 2:30 in the morning. I don't why we kissed. I don't think I ever will, it just kind of happened. We're always sending glances to each other, and talking in code about the feelings we hide. Then one day you were there, and I was there, no bells and whistles or flashing lights like a first kiss maybe should be, just the two of us on a couch in somebody's basement, couch surfing between shows, and we looked at each other like we forgot who we were for a second and all the reasons that "can't" is in our vocabulary, and I don't know if you kissed me or I kissed you, but one second our lips were moving together and I kind of felt like I'd been walking my whole life and I finally found my way home. Then the next moment the tv was on and we were laughing about Rick and Morty, and I didn't sleep that night. I don't think I slept for a week, actually. It was a little awkward between us for a little while,  but then we were back to hugging, and laughing, and making jokes together like it had never happened. But we both knew it did. And I think we both knew why it was better not to acknowledge it." He pauses, with an ache in his chest, the kind that sticks and stays like coffee stains on your favourite sweater. His eyes scan the darkened room, the faint lines of furniture, a tv, the full length mirror on the wall, the closet that Josh closed for him even though he was exhausted and could barely string a sentence together.

"And maybe if we think, and wish, and hope, and pray it might come true. Maybe then, there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do. And we could be married.  Then we'd be happy." He sings, and with each syllable the ache deepens. He brushes his thumb in circles on Josh's cheekbone.

"Oh, Josh. What am I gonna do with you? You know I'm so crazy in love with you, it scares me sometimes. I'm in love with your laugh, and when you trip on your words, and when you give it all you've got for shows and pass out cold afterwards. I'm in love with your big heart, that wants to do anything for me when I'm sad, and breaks when you see an animal that's hurt, and loves kids so much it's adorable. I'm in love with how you drink six cups of coffee a day, and are a total nerd about the things you know and love, and the way you are a giant kid inside, and you're so beautiful. You're so beautiful, Josh. I try to mean most things I say, but that one I mean extra." He sighs and lays his head back on the headboard, absently combing his fingers through Josh's hair still. 

"You know it seems the more we talk about it, it only makes it hard to live without it. But let's talk about it. Oh, wouldn't it be nice..."

Josh moves a bit in his sleep, his face scrunching up. "Wouldn't it... Be nice.." Josh repeats in a sleep-heavy voice, his eyes still shut, his body still motionless. 

It would, Josh. It would.