Joshler Moments

All We Do Is (Drive)

"I thought we agreed, no Halsey?" Tyler says, scrunching up his face with a disapproving look directed towards the radio. The sound of Drive fills the car, and he sits back wit his feet on the dash, windows down and sunroof open as they fly past tall pine and fir trees, growing thickly together, their branches reaching up to a blue summer sky. He never liked Halsey, not because she doesn't make good music, but because she's gotten too close to Josh for his comfort, and whenever he thinks of her it makes him upset. Obviously because Josh is his best friend. Emphasis on his. He doesn't share well. 

"Oh, yeah... Well, this one's really good, I think you'll like it. Just give it a shot." Josh says, leaning back in his chair with one hand on the wheel and the other resting on the stick shift. Tyler will, only for Josh. He grasps the dogeared the pages of his journal tightly to keep them from blowing away with the wind. He wrote down some of his favourite poetry by hand, meticulously for hours just to read to Josh. Josh loves it when he reads to him, and Tyler loves being able to say things to Josh without him knowing that's what he's doing. 

All we do is drive

All we do is think about the feelings that we hide

The song plays, and despite himself, he loves it. He pulls his baseball cap further over his face to hide what he's thinking. Tyler always wears his emotions on his face. The wind catches underneath the brim and blows it right off his head.

"Woah!" He shouts, reaching back to grab it, but Josh's arm is already there, holding the cap between his finger and thumb.

"Got it!" He says proudly, eyes wild from the close call. Josh reaches up to hand it to Tyler, and he takes it, slowly, eyes fixed on Josh's. He doesn't know why, it's not like anything significant happened, Josh just caught him a little more off guard than usual. 

"Thanks." Tyler replies, putting his cap on the seat beside him. He has nothing to hide behind now. Except maybe words in a journal. Keaton St. James is his new favourite poet, he flips to his dictionary poetry, clearing his throat. Halsey's song ends and Josh turns down the radio, and puts the windows up a bit. Tyler knows he's listening now. 

"Pretty Boy" Tyler says, and they both smile at the title. "There's two entries for this one. 1. flowers in your hair. stardust in your soul. you're wild like a dream is wild, and bright like a dream is bright, raspberry-tender and mint leaf-sweet, gold-dappled, always with laughter hidden under your tongue, always with love rushing through your heart, always ready to run through the rain or paint sunsets or dance barefoot in the fire-petalled gaillardias. when we think awestruck, we mean you. when we think you, we mean liberated." Tyler pauses, letting the taste of the words sit on his tongue. He pictures Josh with flowers in his hair, laughing.  When I think you, I mean liberated. Tyler thinks to himself. Josh must be the essence of this poetry. He dares to look into his eyes, moving from the road to him, and back. Deep and thoughtful. If only you knew. "2. transcendence of the self says Keats, so you become a fawn wandering in pine forest fog, white-spotted, damp-eyed, you become the rush of air under a blue jay's wing as it lifts off into the starry dark, bound for the moon, you become Apollo holding the jewelled goblet, his lips made purple by wine and secret kisses, his bones full of poetry and his heart full of song." Tyler says, looking up to see Josh's reaction. His eyes shift around looking ahead, his mouth straight, he's thinking.

"Wow, his poetry is amazing. It's simple and complex at the same time, and you can really feel what he's saying." Josh says, that about sums it up. 

"I agree. There's one more I wanna read to you though, this one's important." Tyler says, taking a deep breath, his body shaking. "Two Boys." He reads the title, and Josh looks over immediately, his attention captured. He inhales another shaky breath. "We make out in the stairwell of the old baptist church: gilt steeple above us, laughter hidden in our lips and my hands in your hair. I know there's angels singing somewhere so I hope they're singing for us and our blood and the places where our thighs touch, or where our shivering bodies melt into shared heat, where our breath sings ghosts into the cold cold air. The distant choir is hymning and old story of how Jesus looked impending fight in the eyes and refused to flee, and like that our mouths are another act of resistance, stronger than bruised ribs, phone calls, locked doors, every threat of disrepair. Our singing hearts together make a beautiful prayer." He says, and breathing doesn't get any easier after the last verse. He won't look at Josh. He's afraid of what it will mean. He's afraid of knowing how they both feel, and knowing that however Josh feels there's no winning, there's no scenario where there's a best course of action, just two terrified boys in a car, driving, one praying for two different outcomes at the same time. If he loves me, I'll betray them, because I'll always choose him. If he doesn't, I'll think of his words every time I look at him and die a little. 

"Oh." Josh says like a realization, but he's silent after that, not finishing his thought. He waits for Josh to say something, each second of silence making it harder, the wind blowing through his clothing feeling colder. Just say something. 

"So, the poetry you read isn't just poetry." Josh asks, a question phrased like a statement. He can feel Josh's eyes on him, but he keeps his fixed on the road, and the yellow dashes passing under their car. "Tyler, I..." He starts again, but trails off. The car starts to slow, and he parks it beside the road. Tyler finally looks over and Josh is looking away this time, breathing deeply like he's searching for something important to say and he's running out of time, but he can't seem to think of it. Then he looks over. His dark brown eyes piercing, searching Tyler's face like the answer is written on his skin, then he reaches over, putting his hand behind Tyler's head, pulling their faces together. He kisses him, like he's been waiting to taste his lips since the day they met, moving into the passenger seat over top of Tyler's body. They stay like that for a long time, lips moving together slowly, hands in each other's hair listening to the sound of passing cars and birds in the forest around them. They hear a car horn honk and a bunch of voices cheer and holler, and they both pull away, laughing. Maybe they don't know what they're doing, and maybe that's okay. Maybe they're both a little terrified. Maybe they'll pretend to forget tomorrow. Or maybe this is the start of something, and if it is, it's a good way to begin. He pulls on Josh's shirt collar bringing their lips together again. It's a good way to begin.