Living with the Campbells | JILEY

-The fight I carry inside

{Riley}

Good morning, my love. I hope that your day shines as much as you do. Love, James xx

I sit in the edge of the bed, reading the note over again. I look up then to see what's on the tray. Coffee, orange juice, strawberries, some toast and biscuits. James has made this for me before leaving, he's honestly the sweetest.

I don't know when the last time I had a proper breakfast was. For months, I have been skipping it. At the start of the school year, I would wake up late for class and skipped breakfast or at least didn't have a proper one. Soon it became an habit. I kept telling myself that the lack of time was the reason why I skipped it, but later I realised that there were a few reasons which took my hunger away. It maybe was the exam I just failed the previous day or the one I had the next week and I still didn't understand anything, or it maybe was Alfie who had planned a surprise date the day I worst would feel. Other times it was myself overthinking about my feelings about James or Alfie. Breakfast just wasn't a priority in my life.

I didn't starve myself though, I ate the little times I felt like it, which usually was in the night. I always had lunch after the whole morning without eating, except a few days when my anxiety was too much to handle. The one I never skipped was the dinner, which was nice to have after having survived to another hectic day.

I knew that my eating was awful, but I wasn't able to change it. It was rebounding in everything in my life, I couldn't barely spend a whole day at university without feeling dizzy or ending with a headache. I fainted two times, one Alfie was with me and he took care until I recovered, the other one I ended up in the hospital.

I stand up and grab the tray, putting it in the bed next to me. It looks delicious, but as usual, I'm not hungry. Being home doesn't change the way I feel about my life - I'm skipping classes in order to recover and half of my belongings are at the other side of the country, in a shared bedroom where I don't know if I'm going to come back or leave. The anxiety hasn't left my side and I don't even know how it will. 

I force myself to eat something, I can't waste the food that my boyfriend made for me. Besides I have been sent home to recover, so that's what I have to try. It's just the first day, I can do this. Slowly, I take a biscuit and the toast, accompanied with some orange juice. I chew calmly, avoiding the throw up feeling. More or less I success until the half of the toast. Then I can't help but run to the bathroom, throwing everything up.

Once I'm done, I wash my face. When I look up to the mirror I see tears in my eyes, which makes me want to cry even more. I collapse into the floor, pulling my legs to my chest and my head between my knees, letting the tears to fall. I definitely hate myself and my body for making this to me. I'm not anorexic or bulimic, I'm fully concious of what's happening to me and I want to avoid it, I just don't know how.

I hear a knock at the door, and jump from my spot, standing up and cleaning my tears from my face.

"Riley?" The person calls from outside. It's Liam. I feel relieved that it's him, James is already too worried and Deborah would have asked too much.

"Just a second!" I shout back, washing my face once again before opening the door.

I expected that Liam walked into the bathroom now, but he stays in the hallway, against the wall which separates my bedroom with the corridors.

"You okay?" He asks with clear worry. "I saw you running to the bathroom... and you took a while there."

"Yeah. I... choke out the food. That's all." I half lie.

"Are you sure? You look very pale." He argues.

"Yes, I'm okay, don't worry about me." I told him, managing to crack a smile. I open the door of my bedroom and smile to him from the doorframe, before proceed to close it.