The Change of Seasons

Part 2 - Spring

There was no anger today – only exhaustion. Normally I would be happy. It meant that she was too tired to throw insults at me and had no fight left in her. But I wasn't comforted this time; I needed her wrongdoings to justify my own.

I sat alone accompanied by my racing heart and asked myself to understand that her ever-storming mind wasn't her fault. But autumn after autumn, winter after winter, I waited. I waited for her to get better. Summer after summer, she promised me that she would try to get better. Her temper was only growing, though, never diminishing. This past summer, she didn't even give me a false promise as a string of hope to hold on to. I held my head in my hands, and my head suddenly felt too heavy for my body. When have I lost my patience for her? My reflection for my feelings shouldn't have come now, when it was our last night together.

"Are you waiting for me to wash the dishes?" she questioned when she didn't hear the flow of water that should've been on ten minutes ago. It wasn't just a simple question that spouses asked when they realized that their partner was tired and deserved a break. It was a demand. I supposed I will get that break soon.

"No. I got it. Just sit back, love," I forced a smile onto my face, even though she couldn't see me from the TV, and wished my annoyance away. My hands shook – out of nerves because I knew what I had to do next – as I gathered the dirtied dishes.

I gingerly closed my fingers around her favourite glass; I got her this one last Valentine's Day. The relatively small goblet weighed a thousand pounds in my hand, perhaps because my heart was ten times heavier than that.

I poured the last drink I would ever pour for her, and I scolded myself – You don't have to do this. You can get her into therapy again. You still love her, don't you? Did I? Did I still love her, even after more than a decade of abuse? Somewhere along the line, maybe my love for her faded – was lost. Where along the line did my heart empty out my love for her completely? I have been avoiding this question, I realized.

The gorgeous cognac colour and the cute little lemon wheel on the brim of the glass disguised the menace that came with the cocktail. This time, the danger after the drink wasn't coming for me.